How to Be a Normal Person by TJ Klune Read Free Book Online Page A

bit.
    “Tell me your secrets,” Bernice whispered and reached out to touch his eyebrows.
    Now he flinched.
    The door to the Emporium opened.
    Lottie said, “It looks like you’re all about to rumble,” as she entered the store. “Don’t do it. The bloodshed would be terrifying.”
    Gus narrowed his eyes. “ You ,” he said. “I’ve got some words for you .” Because yes , he was about to rumble so hard . And there would be bloodshed.
    “ Here we go,” Bernice said. “Reveal to me your secrets.”
    “And what words would those be?” Lottie asked. “I brought you egg salad today. No pickles or onions.”
    Well, that was good. Pickles and onions were things of the devil and should never be anywhere near egg salad, so.
    But that was beside the point. “You!” Gus said. “You had a hipster in your store! He—he—he Instagrammed me. I have never felt so violated in my—”
    The door opened again.
    In walked the hipster. He grinned when he saw Gus.
    “Meep,” Gus squeaked.
    The We Three Queens turned their heads slowly and gaped at Gus.
    “That,” Bertha said, “is not a sound I would have ever expected you to make.”
    Gus coughed roughly. “Yes. Well, something in my throat. Allergy season. Quite bad this year. The pollen count is high. It’s global warming.”
    “I bet there’s something warming in your throat,” Bertha said, her grin a bit smug.
    “Things make much more sense now,” Bernice said. “Secrets revealed.”
    “Hey, Aunt Lottie,” the man said as he approached the counter. “Hope you don’t mind that I tagged along. Had to see who our neighbors were. And would you look who it is.” He hopped up onto the counter like be belonged there, like he’d done it a million times before.
    “Aunt Lottie?” Gus echoed, feeling something akin to betrayal even as he resisted the urge to punch the hipster in the back of the head to get him off the counter.
    “I don’t mind at all,” Lottie said rather innocently, like she wasn’t some kind of diabolical villainess whose sole reason for existing was to bring Gus pain. “The more the merrier. Ladies, this is my nephew Casey Richards. Casey, these are the We Three Queens. Oh, and from what I understand, you already know Gus over there.”
    Casey Richards . It had a name .
    This was quite possibly the worst day of Gustavo’s life.
    Okay. Maybe not the absolute worst, but it was close. Gus wasn’t typically prone to hyperbole, but it seemed to fit the situation. Worst. Day. Ever .
    (Almost.)
    “Whoa,” Casey said, looking the We Three Queens up and down. “You have to be the fiercest things to have ever existed. You have matching jackets . That’s… man, I don’t even know what that is. Your level of awesomeness literally just blew my mind. I’m speechless. Speechless .”
    Gus thought he was speaking quite a bit for someone who claimed speechlessness, but he kept that opinion to himself and remained motionless in hopes that Jurassic Park had been right and that Casey was like a dinosaur and his vision was based upon movement.
    “We tend to do that wherever we go,” Bertha said. “It’s kind of our thing.” She looked off into the distance as if reminiscing on all the minds she’d blown.
    “And you call yourselves the We Three Queens?” Casey asked. “The fact that you exist and are standing in front of me is seriously a highlight of my life.”
    Gus thought that maybe Casey’s bar was set a little low if that was a highlight, but he said nothing because he didn’t just blurt everything out like a commoner would.
    “Why thank you, young man,” Bernice said, beaming, and Gus considered her to now be a traitor to the cause.
    “We have to do a selfie,” Casey said. “All of us. I have to have a picture of us. Like, you have no idea.”
    Gus blurted out, “Oh my god, selfies, fuck my life,” and immediately clapped his hand over his mouth and stood stock-still because they would see him.
    “You too, Gustavo