How to Beat Up Anybody by Judah Friedlander Read Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Judah Friedlander
BROKEN THE ATTACKER’S FINGERS.
I look the attacker right in the eye to let him know that I am dominating the fight.
DISLOCATE HIS KNEECAPS.
This makes a louder popping sound than the finger breaking and elbow dislocation did.
It’s time to do one of the most effective moves in the world, the Tokohoojudah.
I invented this move in 1987 when I killed a mermaid’s boyfriend in a swamp fight. “Tokohoojudah” means “mermaid boyfriend killer” in Tahitian.
Criss-cross and pull his arms around his back so that they pop out of the shoulder sockets and form an “X” on his back.
His left arm is now where his right should be and his right arm is normally where his left arm would be. Continue to pull hard and bring his mismatched hands together .
TIE HIS FINGERS INTO A KNOT.
TAKE HIS WEAPONS AND USE THEM TO END THE FIGHT.
Since you’ve broken all the fingers and knuckles in one of his hands, it is now possible to tie his fingers into a knot without any resistance. Double-knot it if you want to , but it’s not necessary.
BUT FIRST, PRACTICE YOUR LEFT HOOK.
Tearing ligaments and dislocating joints are not taught in martial arts schools. But I’m teaching it to you because I care .
Now that you’ve learned how to disarm a double-weaponed delinquent, disarming one weapon should be easy. A kick to the stomach will not work against a thug with one gun . Since he only uses his right hand to operate the gun, his left hand is available to block a kick. So you must use a more advanced method to disarm him .
Step 1: Charge the gunman as fast as you can.
If you don’t do this fast enough, you’ll get shot in the chest.
I’m moving so fast, I change the brightness in the room. I move faster than indoor light rays can travel so that I can be quicker than the trigger.
Tackle him to the ground.
Wrestle him with your arms superfast and get the gun pointing away from your body.
Tie him into a human knot, so that he cannot get out of it. Then steal his gun.
I broke 14 bones and ligaments in his body in 0.3 seconds to get him into this inescapable position.
I could return the gun to the proper authorities. But instead, I will melt the gun into a metal ball using the heat of my hands and force him to swallow it .
THIS ALTERNATE SUBMISSION HOLD IS MORE POPULAR IN NORWAY THAN HERE IN AMERICA, BUT IT CAN BE USED ANYWHERE .
THIS HOLD COMPLETELY CUTS OFF THE THUG’S OXYGEN SUPPLY, WHICH MAKES WEAPON REMOVAL VERY EASY.
Now you know the best tactics to disarm a criminal. Experiment with these different tactics. Have a friend attack you with a sword and a gun several times, and then you’ll be able to decide which method works best for you .
CHAPTER TWELVE:
DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THIS PHOTO?
THERE’S A BIGFOOT STANDING BY THE FENCE. LOOK CLOSELY.
NOW DO YOU SEE HIM? HE HAS MOVED CLOSER.
THE BIGFOOT TRIES TO STARE ME DOWN.
But his magnetic powers cannot harm me. When I was 3, I ran away from my home in the tunnels of the New York City subway system and went to the mountains and I lived amongst the Bigfoots for 6 months. My exposure to them at a young age made me immune to their magnetic powers .
He probably wants to steal my food. A Bigfoot’s diet consists only of eating forest rats, rotten plants, and dirt sandwiches . The 1% of Bigfoots that hate humans are jealous that we have the technology to make better-tasting meals .
BIGFOOTS LOOK SLOW. BUT BESIDES ME, THEY ARE THE FASTEST SPECIES ON LAND.
THAT’S WHY YOU WILL NEVER SEE A CHEETAH EAT A BIGFOOT.
DO NOT LET THE BIGFOOT GET TO YOUR BARBEQUE.
EATING HUMAN-MADE FOOD MAKES BIGFOOTS INSTANTLY STRONGER.
LAUNCH YOUR AIR ATTACK.
PREPARE TO AIR-TACKLE THE BIGFOOT.
BUT DO A SEMI-SPREAD EAGLE NECK CHOKE INSTEAD.
DO NOT LET YOUR BODY TOUCH THE GROUND! REMAIN AIRBORNE! IT’S TOO RISKY TO BEGIN A GROUND ATTACK. IT IS MATING SEASON FOR BIGFOOTS AND THEY CAN BE EXTREMElY HORNY.
THE BIGFOOT IS
I look the attacker right in the eye to let him know that I am dominating the fight.
DISLOCATE HIS KNEECAPS.
This makes a louder popping sound than the finger breaking and elbow dislocation did.
It’s time to do one of the most effective moves in the world, the Tokohoojudah.
I invented this move in 1987 when I killed a mermaid’s boyfriend in a swamp fight. “Tokohoojudah” means “mermaid boyfriend killer” in Tahitian.
Criss-cross and pull his arms around his back so that they pop out of the shoulder sockets and form an “X” on his back.
His left arm is now where his right should be and his right arm is normally where his left arm would be. Continue to pull hard and bring his mismatched hands together .
TIE HIS FINGERS INTO A KNOT.
TAKE HIS WEAPONS AND USE THEM TO END THE FIGHT.
Since you’ve broken all the fingers and knuckles in one of his hands, it is now possible to tie his fingers into a knot without any resistance. Double-knot it if you want to , but it’s not necessary.
BUT FIRST, PRACTICE YOUR LEFT HOOK.
Tearing ligaments and dislocating joints are not taught in martial arts schools. But I’m teaching it to you because I care .
Now that you’ve learned how to disarm a double-weaponed delinquent, disarming one weapon should be easy. A kick to the stomach will not work against a thug with one gun . Since he only uses his right hand to operate the gun, his left hand is available to block a kick. So you must use a more advanced method to disarm him .
Step 1: Charge the gunman as fast as you can.
If you don’t do this fast enough, you’ll get shot in the chest.
I’m moving so fast, I change the brightness in the room. I move faster than indoor light rays can travel so that I can be quicker than the trigger.
Tackle him to the ground.
Wrestle him with your arms superfast and get the gun pointing away from your body.
Tie him into a human knot, so that he cannot get out of it. Then steal his gun.
I broke 14 bones and ligaments in his body in 0.3 seconds to get him into this inescapable position.
I could return the gun to the proper authorities. But instead, I will melt the gun into a metal ball using the heat of my hands and force him to swallow it .
THIS ALTERNATE SUBMISSION HOLD IS MORE POPULAR IN NORWAY THAN HERE IN AMERICA, BUT IT CAN BE USED ANYWHERE .
THIS HOLD COMPLETELY CUTS OFF THE THUG’S OXYGEN SUPPLY, WHICH MAKES WEAPON REMOVAL VERY EASY.
Now you know the best tactics to disarm a criminal. Experiment with these different tactics. Have a friend attack you with a sword and a gun several times, and then you’ll be able to decide which method works best for you .
CHAPTER TWELVE:
DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THIS PHOTO?
THERE’S A BIGFOOT STANDING BY THE FENCE. LOOK CLOSELY.
NOW DO YOU SEE HIM? HE HAS MOVED CLOSER.
THE BIGFOOT TRIES TO STARE ME DOWN.
But his magnetic powers cannot harm me. When I was 3, I ran away from my home in the tunnels of the New York City subway system and went to the mountains and I lived amongst the Bigfoots for 6 months. My exposure to them at a young age made me immune to their magnetic powers .
He probably wants to steal my food. A Bigfoot’s diet consists only of eating forest rats, rotten plants, and dirt sandwiches . The 1% of Bigfoots that hate humans are jealous that we have the technology to make better-tasting meals .
BIGFOOTS LOOK SLOW. BUT BESIDES ME, THEY ARE THE FASTEST SPECIES ON LAND.
THAT’S WHY YOU WILL NEVER SEE A CHEETAH EAT A BIGFOOT.
DO NOT LET THE BIGFOOT GET TO YOUR BARBEQUE.
EATING HUMAN-MADE FOOD MAKES BIGFOOTS INSTANTLY STRONGER.
LAUNCH YOUR AIR ATTACK.
PREPARE TO AIR-TACKLE THE BIGFOOT.
BUT DO A SEMI-SPREAD EAGLE NECK CHOKE INSTEAD.
DO NOT LET YOUR BODY TOUCH THE GROUND! REMAIN AIRBORNE! IT’S TOO RISKY TO BEGIN A GROUND ATTACK. IT IS MATING SEASON FOR BIGFOOTS AND THEY CAN BE EXTREMElY HORNY.
THE BIGFOOT IS
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