I Am Forbidden by Anouk Markovits Read Free Book Online Page A

unbuttoned the top of her night shift. The children watched the tiny fists closing on Hannah’s breast, the tiny, avid lips; once more, they settled in their warm hollows.
    Zalman returned from services and Hannah hurried out of the room. Zalman sighed as he placed his black hat on the coatrack. Lingering in the warmth of Hannah’s bed, the children heard the note of anguish in his voice. He told Hannah about the congregation: Would there be anyone with whom Zalman would share again the passion of Torah study he had shared with Mila’s father? How far they had come from the Rebbe’s court—there a Jew felt alive!
    At breakfast, still perplexed by the new French bread, Schlomo insisted every hole in his slice be
filled
with butter. “Please, Atara, this one too! It’s looking at me—”
    Zalman entered the room; Schlomo fell silent. Zalman took his seat at the head of the table and sighed.
    Schlomo watched the butter sink downward into his bread. He reached for the knife, trying to spread even more onto the slice. Giving up on the knife, he scooped the butter with a finger and squashed it into a hole. Atara suppressed a giggle. Schlomo looked up, reproachfully.
    Zalman’s fist thumped the table.
    “Goyim can’t control their bodily inclinations but a Jew thinks of God’s will only!”
    The children stilled.
    Zalman turned to his eldest son. “Nu? When the Lord tells Israel
You shall be a holy nation
, what does
holy
mean?”
    “Separate,”
Schlomo replied. “It is written in the Midrash Rabbah that holy means separate.”
    “Good.
You shall be a holy nation
, you shall set yourself apart. As we wander through this Parisian wilderness, remember: When we Jews behave like other nations, God punishes us.” His tone grew sharper. “Surely the messiah should be here after all that we have endured, but some among us are holding the messiah back.”
    Etti started to whimper.
    “In the so-called Jewish school where, alas, I am sending you, you may hear—God forbid, you may hear—of a blasphemy that calls itself
Jewish Enlightenment
. But the Chassam Sofer says the Torah forbids innovation. You may hear of
Enlightenment
’s sinister offshoot: Zionism. Our Rebbe says Zionism was responsible for the terrible destruction. A Zionist army will protect us?” Zalman’s fist slammed the table.
    The milk in the children’s bowls lifted in curls that collapsed over the rims and onto the oilcloth.
    Etti burst into sobs.
    Zalman’s brow furrowed. His pulse galloped. It was essential for children to fear their father so they would grow into God-fearing Jews. His voice rose above the toddler’s sobs.
    “Who are we to stand up to the nations when God willsus to submit? Who are we to build a Jewish state when God decrees our exile? God made us swear three oaths.” Zalman turned to his eldest son. “What is the first?”
    Schlomo hesitated. Zalman scanned the other children’s faces but they did not know.
    “The first oath: That we will not storm the wall of exile. The second: That we will not rebel against the nations amongst whom we are exiled. The third: That we will not force the End.
    “We must not build the Promised Land with our own strength. Our deliverance will come through wonders and miracles and whoever doubts this miraculous redemption doubts the entire Torah. May HaShem free us from the enemies that surround us, may He deliver us from exile, Amen.”
    “Amen,” the children echoed.
    Zalman rose and treaded heavily toward the door.
    T HAT AFTERNOON , flying over the slide’s hump in the Luxembourg Gardens, it was hard for the children to remember they were wandering in the desert; soaring in the boat-shaped swings, it was hard to remember they were chosen to set themselves apart. When the children did remember, they shrilled louder plummeting down the slide and tore back up as if this descent might be the last before they were gathered out of exile. Mothers on benches shook their heads. Surely this brood