If I Knew You Were Going to Be This Beautiful, I Never Would Have Let You Go by Judy Chicurel Read Free Book Online Page A

over in Nam?’ I tell them that story. Whole country full of flowers, everywhere you look. All those flowers, drowning in blood. Hey, little darling!”
    I looked up. I felt Mitch’s hand on my arm. He pulled me so close I could smell how fucked up he was. His eyes were squinty and filled with light.
    “
Mmm-mmm
, you look good enough to eat,” he crooned, looking me up and down. I was wearing the new brown cotton peasant shirt with the hand-sewn blue silk roses at the collar that I’d bought at Heads Up, the local hippie head shop. I’d bought it thinking of Luke, thinking it would be the perfect thing to wear when I saw him. But then Mitch kissed the side of my face and hugged me tight so that my back was to Luke and I couldn’t see his face. I wondered what he was thinking.
    When I turned around again, his seat was empty.
    Mitch still had his arm around me and was banging on the bar with his other hand. “Service! Service!” he cried over Pat Whalen and the Country Whalers singing “The Wearin’ of the Green.” “A little service for the servicemen, Goddamnit!” I gently twisted out from under his arm and Mitch barely noticed, he just kept banging on the bar to get Len’s attention. I thought maybe Luke was in the bathroom and would be coming back. I glanced toward the men’s room, but when Billy came out and swung the door behind him, it looked empty. I waited a little longer, for the song to end, and then I was tired of waiting. I was ready to leave. I was out of cigarettes and I had to be at work early the next morning.
    I walked away from Mitch and his clamoring for a drink he didn’t need, looking around for Luke and not seeing him anywhere. I looked around for Nanny but couldn’t find her, either. I felt my blood quicken with this new impatience that had been stalking me lately, at home, standing on the corner by Eddy’s, at work, ringing things up on the cash register. Everything, everyone was moving too slowly for me. I was tired of waiting on people, on things to happen. That seemed like all I’d done for the past three years, since I’d first seen Luke coming off Comanche Street beach, carrying his surfboard, dripping and grinning and golden. And now I couldn’t escape the feeling that everyone had been at the party for a while but I was just getting there, in danger of being left behind. Even now it was later than I thought, too late to walk home alone, so I started up Comanche Street to catch the bus on Lighthouse Avenue. I heard someone call my name and turned around. It was Bennie Esposito. He was walking instead of stumbling, and his eyes were wide and clear.
    “Where you going so early, man?” And yet another surprise, he wasn’t slurring his words. “The night is young.”
    “You okay, Bennie?” I asked.
    He slipped a sly arm around me and pulled me close. “I’d be better if you was to, say, take a little walk on the beach with me, maybe search for starfish, you know, it’s an outasight night, man.” He winked at me andI laughed. Bennie was one of the city boys. I liked him. I used to have a crush on him, when he first moved to the Beach. When he wasn’t on downs and his eyes were open, you could see how beautiful they really were.
    “Well, it would be too obvious if I asked you over to see my etchings,” he said. “Besides, my room’s a fucking mess.”
    “It’s late,” I said. “I have to be to work at nine tomorrow.”
    “Ouch,” he said, wincing. “That’s like the middle of the night for me, man.” His hands were working upward, resting on my rib cage. They felt hot against my skin. I looked up at the sky, crowded with stars, a fat, full moon staring down at us. I looked back at The Starlight Hotel. I wished I could have seen Luke’s face when Mitch was talking about the blood flowers. I wished I could see him now, just to know where he was. I wondered if he was walking the beach, or maybe hanging out with Christa Cutler on the lifeguard chair. The