If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? by Erma Bombeck Read Free Book Online Page A

born the week our oil supply was depleted, water became scarce, telephone rates went up, gasoline was in short supply, and meat, coffee and sugar prices soared. It was as if the warranty on the country had just expired.
    “Have a good day” was something to say.
    Ecology became a household word. My husband became a nut on recycling. Until a few years ago he thought recycling was an extra setting on the washer that tore the buttons off his shirts and shredded his underwear. Now, he sits around making towel racks out of oversexed coat hangers.
    My daughter poked her head in my kitchen one day and told me my ozone was in trouble.
    “Give me a hint,” I said. “Has the antifreeze leaked out of my car? Are my sinus cavities ready to crest? Or did someone flick their Bic near all the papers stored in the basement?”
    “I'm talking about aerosol cans,” she groaned. “I'm not going to use them anymore and you shouldn't either. Are you aware that Congress is drafting a bill that will include a ban of spray cans using fluorocarbons?”
    “I wouldn't have gone so far as to take it to Congress,” I said.
    “Mother! Surely, you've seen first-hand how the fluorocarbons in pressurized cans can harm the atmospheric layer that screens the sun's radiation.”
    “You bet,” I nodded. “Not to mention what happens when you mistakenly spray tub and tile cleaner on your teeth. I mean, who wants teeth that foam and deodorize?”
    “I can't believe it, Mother.” She smiled. “Do you realize this is the first meaningful conversation we've been able to carry on in years?”
    I passed the bathroom and gave my underarms a spritz with air freshener. These may just be the only two ozones I'll ever get, and I plan to take care of them.
     
    Have a good day....
     
    The more technology the phone company developed, the more complicated using the phone became. I never knew what complicated was until the phone company launched a campaign to save me money.
    Every time I picked up the receiver, I kept seeing the face of an operator on television with half a phone growing out of her ear admonishing, “Dial direct. Save 60 percent on nights and weekends. Lower rates on shorter distances. Talk one minute to Nashville for twenty-two minutes.”
    One Sunday I found myself setting an alarm for 3 a.m. and direct-dialing Nashville to a person I never liked much and talked for four minutes because I saved $1.25. It was a bargain I couldn't afford to pass up. In fact, in four weeks, I saved enough to call my sister in Ohio at a civilized hour during the week with an operator to announce me.
    I put up with all of it because I knew communications were moving forward. However, I was totally unprepared one day when an operator from the phone company called to ask if I had made a long distance call to North Carolina, and if so could I supply her with the number I had called as it had not been recorded.
    “How did you get my number?” I asked. “It's unlisted.”
    “From directory assistance,” she said.
    “Shame on you,” I said. “That's an extra. Do you know if you had dialed me on the weekend instead of prime time during the business hours you could have saved thirty-two cents on the first minute?”
    “But I...”
    “Besides, if you call me for assistance three more times this month, you will be charged twenty cents a call. That all adds up. I assume you are calling from a business phone, which is charged full rates, which means each additional minute we talk is costing you forty cents. Frankly, dear, I'm going to do you a big favor and hang up. I don't think you can afford me.”
     
    Have a good day....
     
    The Meat Mutiny came without warning. One day, we were eating more and paying less and the next there were two hundred and seventy-eight products on the market to help our hamburger.
    Housewives did not take the news sitting down. They stood outside of grocery stores eating dog food in protest. Signs went up suggesting, fight meat prices.