I'll Mature When I'm Dead by Dave Barry Read Free Book Online Page A

because usually this makes them resume working. If it doesn’t, I know I need to buy a new device, because nobody in the entire world knows how to fix a broken one.
    Don’t get me wrong: I love technology. I don’t want to go back to the days when people had to churn their own butter and make their own sausage by going out to the barn and personally slaughtering tofus. But it bothers me that I depend on so many things that operate on principles I do not remotely understand, and which might not even be real.
    Take “digital” technology. At some point (I think during the Clinton administration) all media—photographs, TV, movies, music, oven thermometers, pornography, doorbells, etc.—became “digital.” If you ask a technical expert what this means, he or she will answer that the information is, quote, “broken down into ones and zeros.” Which sounds good, doesn’t it? Ones and zeros! Those are digits, all right!
    But here’s the problem. Say you’re watching a TV show. Say it’s 24 , starring Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer, the angst-ridden lone-wolf federal agent who protects America from terrorism by sooner or later causing the violent death of pretty much everybody he meets. If you study this show carefully, you will notice something curious: Jack Bauer never goes to the bathroom . That’s why he’s so ridden with angst.
    But the other curious thing you will notice is that no matter how close you get to the TV screen—even if you get one inch away and examine the picture (I have done this) with a magnifying glass, so that any given one of Jack Bauer’s nostrils is the size of the Lincoln Tunnel— you cannot see any ones or zeros . They’re lying to us about that.
    Why is this? My theory—and bear in mind that I have won several journalism awards—is that the “experts” don’t really know how any of this technology works either. All they know is that it arrives here in boxes from China. I don’t know where the Chinese are getting it, but I do know that they’re not making it themselves. I have been to China, and if the Chinese had any grasp of technology, they would have better toilets.
    So the bottom line is that we have become totally dependent in our daily lives on technology that nobody understands and that could be coming from (this is speculation) space. What if all this technology is some kind of sneak alien invasion force? What if one day all these devices rose up and attacked us? What if, for example, all the Bluetooth phone earpieces in the world suddenly sprouted drill bits and bored into people’s brains?
    OK, that particular example would actually be fine. But you see my point, don’t you? If so, could you send me an e-mail or tweet explaining it?
    No, seriously, my point is that technology is a blessing, but it is also a serious potential threat to humanity in general. Somebody needs to look into this. I’d do it myself, but right now I can’t. My atomic-clock alarm is going off, signaling that it’s 7 A.M., which means it’s time for me to go back to bed.

Solving the Celebrity Problem

    I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I am something of a minor celebrity.
    “How minor? ” you ask.
    I’ll give you an example. Often, when I’m in a public place such as an airport gate area, I’ll notice that one of the other passengers keeps looking at me. Finally this person will come over, and we’ll have a conversation like the following (I have had this conversation literally dozens of times):
    PERSON: I hate to bother you, but I’m a huge fan of your writing.
    ME: Thanks! No bother at all!
    PERSON: And my kids LOVED Hoot .
    ME: Um, you’re thinking of Carl Hiaasen. We both write for the Miami Herald . I’m Dave Barry.
    PERSON (HUGELY EMBARRASSED): Oh my God, I am so sorry .
    ME: It’s OK, really. Carl’s a good friend.
    PERSON: I’m a big fan of your writing, too!
    ME: Thanks.
    PERSON: Obviously I am lying. (The person never actually says that last part out loud;