Is It Just Me?

Is It Just Me? by Miranda Hart Read Free Book Online

Book: Is It Just Me? by Miranda Hart Read Free Book Online
Authors: Miranda Hart
Tags: Humor, General, Azizex666
A little joke on Gino D’Acampo, the chef off
This Morning
. No?
    The THIRTYSOMETHING women all stare at her.
    Shall we begin?
    No one really wants to begin. They all nod.
The Time Traveler’s Wife
. . . Well, what a book . . .
    General mumbles of approval.
    Oh, what a book . . . what a book . . . well, what a book . . .
    What would you say its main themes are then, Miranda?
    Me? Well, I would say to you this.
The Time Traveler’s Wife
– its main theme, well . . . its main theme is that it was about a wife, whose husband time travelled . . . * downs some wine *
    Well, yes, but what issues did it make you consider?
    I put that to the floor.
    Nervous silence.
    Well, the book really moved me to consider issues of love, loss and free will . . .
    MIRANDA downs some more wine and knows she has to get out of there. It is ghastly. The woman is scary. She has a sudden, potentially inspiring, thought. MIRANDA creeps to the kitchen, dials her mobile phone number from the THIRTYSOMETHING WOMAN’s landline. Her mobile rings, she rushes back.
    Hello? What has happened? Say that again, please? Oh my goodness! Are you serious? That’s awful. I must come immediately. I am at a book group. I know, it will be a total shame to miss it, particularly as I was enjoying it so very very much – (MIRANDA starts to leave) –
The Time Traveler’s Wife
. I know, it’s an amazing book about love, loss and free will, but this is an emergency of the highest proportions, so I am coming now . . .
    (From her landline) Goodbye then, lovely to meet you.
    SCREAMS as she hears the voice on the end of the line. Exits tripping over and into the hummus dip as she leaves.
    Still, at least those quests for a hobby are motivated by something essentially noble, some sort of desire to expand one’s horizons and better oneself. But in one’s thirties another, slightly more sinister, gang of new-hobby-ists emerges:
the Man-Finders
. These are the women who take up traditionally masculine activities in order to find a mate. They will feign interest in Indoor Rock Climbing, Car Mechanics, Boxing. Or for the less out-and-out Man-Finder, they will attempt to meet their future Mr Right through the hallowed dancing classes of salsa. Actually, I highly recommend you attend one. Not because you’re likely to meet an available man, but because there’s nothing in the world funnier than twenty-five single women dancing in pairs with one another, each in the throes of a devastating existential crisis, while a perky instructor shouts out, ‘Hips, ladies, hips! Feel the rhythm!’ (Note to anyone considering joining a class: there is no need to turn up in full
Strictly Come Dancing
salsa outfit including fake tan. Everyone just wears jeans. Briefly awkward.)
    * Eighteen-year-old Miranda sulkily stomps in * We got WALTZING MAN IN BALLROOM SCENE.
    Talking of dancing in all-female pairs . . .
    Don’t laugh . . . I am in a total bate about this . . .
    I am not laughing: I still feel your pain, Little M . . .
    I don’t think I will ever get over this.
    Don’t worry, you don’t.
    It could at least have been Waltzing WOMAN.
    I know, I know.
    I hate being tall. Dire strait pants. And now – as if my life couldn’t get any more hideola – I’ve got to go and pretend to be interested in watching Bella try on her new pixie boots. She’s the first one in the school to have a pair – typical. Last term she laughed at my bat wing jumper because it was BHS.
    Could I please get back to my Mrs Chapter?
    Mrs Chapter? Weirdo.
    I’ll give you Mrs Chapter and raise you ‘Dire strait pants’ . . . Off you trot, Waltzing Man in Ballroom Scene.
    Meanie. At least I’ll be on stage . . . Bet you can’t say that about your old thirty-eight-year-old self. *

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