Joni by Joni Eareckson Tada Read Free Book Online Page B

situation.
    “You’ll be better soon, Joni,” she promised. “Remember, the Lord says He will never allow us to suffer more than we can humanly bear.”
    “Oh, yeah?” I grunted.
    The medication and paralysis also left me with an acute sensitivity to light and sound. I made Jackie and the nurses keep the shades and blinds drawn and the door shut to keep out light and noise. Dr. Harris said it was evidence of nerves beginning to heal, but I was dreadfully discomforted by it. I could even hear conversations clearly from adjoining rooms. The usual hospital routine turned into a harsh, discordant cacophony.
    One hot summer day, Jackie was moving a fan for me, and she accidentally dropped it. It sounded like a painful explosion going off inside my head as it clattered on the tile floor.
    “Jackie!” I screamed and cursed at her. The ugly words that came out of my mouth were strange and obscene, dredged up from some dark recess of my mind. I called her awful names.
    Then guilt washed over me. “I’m sorry, Jackie. It’s so easy to cave in.” I cried softly. “I know God must have some purpose in all this. Please call Dickie before you go. I need him. Tell him to come up tonight.”
    Jackie nodded and started to leave.
    “Jackie—wait. There’s something I have to say before you go.”
    She stood near me. “Jackie, you’re such a close friend—I’m taking you for granted. I yell at you all the time—especially since I can’t scream at anyone else! I feel like being mad at God, at mom and dad, at Dickie. Y’know? It kinda gets to me sometimes, and I have to let off steam. But you’re the only one I can safely scream at. Mom and dad are already suffering so much—I have to make a special effort to be pleasant when they come. It isn’t fair for me to be critical, demanding, and mean to them. And I can’t take a chance on losing Dick by taking things out on him. I need him; I don’t want to lose him, maybe forever, by hurting him now. So, Jackie, I’m sorry. You’ve been my scapegoat. You get the brunt of every ugly emotion I let go.”
    Jackie smiled warmly and shrugged. “That’s okay, Joni. I know you don’t really mean it. Besides,” she grinned, “what are friends for?”
    She came over, smoothed my hospital gown, and kissed me on the forehead. “I’ll call Dick for you.”
    Dick came by the hospital later. Quietly I lay there listening to the comforting words of Scripture he read to me from a J. B. Phillips New Testament paraphrase. Many of the verses were alive with contemporary meaning.
    “Listen to this, Joni,” Dick said excitedly. “ ‘When all kinds of trials and temptations crowd into your lives, my brothers, don’t resent them as intruders, but welcome them as friends! Realize that they come to test your faith and to produce in you the quality of endurance’” (James 1:2-4).
    “What do you suppose it means, Dickie?”
    “I think it means just what it says—that God has allowed your accident to happen for a purpose, not as an intrusion in your life, but to test your faith and spiritual endurance.”
    “Oh, wow! Have I ever been letting the Lord down.”
    “Listen to the rest of it, Joni. ‘And if, in the process, any ofyou does not know how to meet any particular problem he has only to ask God—who gives generously to all men without making them feel foolish or guilty.’”
    “My problem is one I can’t meet. Let’s ask God to heal me. Just like it says.”
    Dick put the book down and began. “Father, we thank You for Your care and concern. We thank You for Your Word, the Bible, and the promises You have there for us. Your Word says, ‘If any of you does not know how to meet any particular problem, he has only to ask God.’ Well, Lord, we’re asking—please hear our prayers, in Jesus’ name, amen.”
    I prayed next. “Lord Jesus, I’m sorry I haven’t been looking more to You for help. I’ve never thought of my accident before as something for testing my faith.