Journey to Empowerment by Maria D. Dowd Read Free Book Online Page B

brave enough to tell the truth, and I needed their acceptance. Without it, how would I know I existed? It was so much easier to lie, both to them and to myself. I wasted so many years pretending. I am not that girl anymore. Right there and right now in this new space that I am in, I know that I am smart, beautiful and funny. I no longer seek external approval or affirmation of who I am.
    My inability to love myself honestly and openly stemmed from my experiences of a very tormented childhood among my peers. For reasons I have never been able to pin down, kids my own age just didn’t seem to understand or like me much. Inclusion in the “rat pack” was all I ever wanted! As a result, I spent many years trying to change my face to adjust to whatever crowd was newly listed as “in.” I never allowed myself a moment’s truth because I believed just being “me” wasn’t good enough. It would never gain me the acceptance I so desperately thought I needed. At times in my life, “me” could’ve been just about anybody at any given moment, and was always subject to change. Such a life is exhausting. All I really wanted was a sense of belonging without the compelling need to make changes and adjustments. No matter what wonderful things my mother, my grandmother or my aunts told me about myself, I was incapable of believing any of it. How on earth could they know these things about me if I had no clue?
    These feelings of inadequacy, of being a misfit, carried over into my adult life. But I put on a smiling face and figured none would be the wiser. Suddenly, I became this person everyone just loved and clamored to be friends with—always smiling, always laughing, always ready for a good time. Even though this was exactly the external acceptance I’d spent most of my years in search of, I just couldn’t trust it. I thought I was smart funny, and worthy of acceptance, but I never really believed it. As a defense mechanism, I surrounded myself with an impenetrable wall. I painted it with the pretense of being too complex to ever really be known, but I never gave anyone a chance to know me, including myself. I coated it with ambivalence and pretended not to have the energy to engage meaningfully in relationships, platonic or romantic. The truth was, and is, I’m just dying to let all those walls down, and to be completely honest without fear of the vulnerability honesty can create. I no longer feel the need to prove who I am or justify my existence to anyone, which is a step in the right direction. I am who I am.
    Who am I? I’m still that little weird kid who likes to bury her nose in a juicy book rather than go to loud parties, listens to relatively unknown bands rather than the radio playlist, likes digging though the racks of Goodwill more than shopping at the mall and loves lazy days spent in the company of a few very good girlfriends. I still have a ridiculous sense of humor that causes me to let loose uproarious laughter at any given moment. I’m no longer afraid or ashamed to be that kid.
    Who am I? I am bright, intelligent and full of laughter. Who am I? I am vulnerable and no longer afraid to admit it. I am not a stone wall; I am not as strong as the rock of Gibraltar. I am naked to the world, yet my spirit is strong. I know I am marvelous—not because anyone else says so, but because it is true, and I believe it. Of course, hearing it is great. But I no longer need to hear it. To depend on the outside is counterproductive and will only inhibit my ability to love and know myself.
    I can let go of my fear of betrayal and admit my vulnerability. I can be honest with others and myself, and I recognize that the consequences will not be painful but rather invigorating.
    I am going through a season of reinvention. The journey is at times confusing, yet always delightful.

I Looked into Her Eyes
    B Y E LEANOR B ALLARD -G ADSON
    I looked into her eyes, and the