Laughing Gas by P. G. Wodehouse Read Free Book Online Page B

of a chain gang. I couldn't have it much tougher if this was Devil's Island or the Foreign Legion or sump'n. Do you know what?'
    'What?'
    'Do you know what old Brinkmeyer did when the contract was being drawn up?' 'No, what?'
    'Slipped in a clause that I had to live at his house, so that I could be under his personal eye.'
    'Who is this Brinkmeyer?'
    'The boss of the corporation I work for.'
    'And you don't like his personal eye?'
    'I don't mind him. He's a pretty good sort of old stiff. It's his sister Beulah. She was the one who put him up to it. She's the heavy in the sequence. As tough as they come. Ever hear of Simon Legree?'
    'Yes.'
    'Beulah Brinkmeyer. Know what a serf is?' 'What you swim in, you mean.'
    'No, I don't mean what you swim in. I mean what's downtrodden and oppressed and gets the dirty end of die stick all the time. That's me. Gosh, what a life! Shall I tell you something?'
    'Do.’
    'I'm not allowed to play games, because I might get hurt. I'm not allowed to keep a dog, because it might bite me. I'm not allowed in the swimming-pool, because I might get drowned. And, listen, get this one. No candy, because I might put on weight.'
    'You don't mean that?'
    'I do mean that. It's in my contract. "The party of the second part, hereinafter to be called the artist, shall abstain from all ice-creams, chocolate-creams, nut sundaes, fudge, and all-day suckers, hereinafter to be called candy, this to be understood to comprise doughnuts, marshmal lows, pies in their season, all starchy foods, and twice of chicken." Can you imagine my law yer letting them slip that over '
    I must say I was a bit appalled. We Havershots have always been good trenchermen, and it never fails to give me a grey feeling when I hear of somebody being on a diet. I know how I should have felt at his age if some strong hand had kept me from the sock-shop.
    'I wonder you don't chuck it.'
    ‘I can't.’
    'You love your Art too much?' 'No, I don't.'
    'You like bringing sunshine into drab lives in Pittsburgh and Cincinnati?'
    ‘I don't care if Pittsburgh chokes. And that goes for Cincinnati, too.'
    'Then perhaps you feel that all the money and fame make up for these what you might call hideous privations?'
    He snorted. He seemed to have as low an opinion of money and fame as April June.
    'What's the good of money and fame? I can't eat them, can I? There's nothing I'd like better than to tie a can to the whole outfit and go back to where hearts are pure and men are men in Chillicothe, Ohio. I'd like to be home with mother right now. You should taste her fried chicken, southern style. And she'd be tickled pink to have me, too. But I can't get away. I've a five years contract, and you can bet they're going to hold me to it.'
    'I see.'
    'Oh, yes, I'm Uncle Tom, all right. But listen, shall I tell you something? I'm biding my time. I'm waiting. Some day I'll g row up. And when I do, oh, baby! '
    'Oh what?'
    'I said "Oh, baby! " I'm going to poke Beulah Brink meyer right in the snoot.'
    'What! Would you strike a woman?'
    'You betcher I'd strike a woman. Yessir, she'll get hers. And there's about six directors I'm going to poke in the snoot, and a whole raft of supervisors and production experts. And that press agent of mine. I'm going to poke him i n the snoot, all right. Yessir! Matter of fact,' he said, summing up, 'you'd have a tough time finding somebody I'm not going to poke in the snoot, once I'm big enough. I've got all their names in a little notebook.'
    He relapsed into a moody silence, and I didn't quite know what to say. No words of mine, I felt, could cheer this stricken child. The iron had plainly entered a dashed
    sight too deep into his soul for a mere 'Buck up, old bird!' to do any good.
    However, as it turned out, I would have had no time to deliver anything in the nature of a pep talk, for at this moment the door opened and in poured a susurration of blighters, some male, some female, some with cameras, some without, and the air became