Les Dawson's Cissie and Ada by Terry Ravenscroft Read Free Book Online

club funds a much needed boost. To achieve this we intend to manufacture and sell to the general public a chocolate biscuit. We are confident that we have the expertise to accomplish this as four of our members used to work for the local sweet and confectionery factory - in fact it was because they worked at the local sweet and confectionery factory that they became invalids, having caught various parts of their anatomy in the machinery, but that's another matter.

    Here is where you come in. I have long been a fan of your Jacob's Club biscuits, as have many of my fellow members, and to this end we would like to 'cash in' on your esteemed name by calling our biscuit a 'Jacob's Club Foot' biscuit. This would at once inform the public that it is a quality product, and also that it supports invalids. Can I have you permission, please?

    Yours sincerely

    T Ravenscroft (Mr)

    Jacob's reply follows

    Amazon Reader’s Review:-

    Do not read this book whilst holding a cold drink, a hot partner or anything squeezable. The genius of this man's writing is a beautiful thing to read, dry, sharply observed and above all cheap as chips on kindle downloads. As funny as ‘Dear Air 2000’ but without the lasagne although you will never be able to look at Bisto gravy granules in quite the same way ever again. Whatever you do download this and help keep Terry Ravenscroft in Oxfam trousers and 2 bottles of white wine. – Lee Sylvester.

    Buy at –
    UK

    http://amzn.to/qFFPRm

    US

    http://amzn.to/p7o9qF

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    STAIRLIFT TO HEAVEN

    .......You have to take your opportunities for a bit of fun when and wherever you find them so when I noticed a man of about my age approaching in the opposite direction I picked up the Zimmer Frame, twirled it round my head a couple of times, and heaved it into the distance. It had not long since been announced that Britain had been granted the 2012 Olympic Games, and with it the Paralympics, and it was probably this, and the thought I’d just had about cripples taking up their bed and walking, that put the idea into my head.
    After I’d gone to recover the Zimmer Frame and started to walk back with it the man had stopped and now looked on, puzzled. I turned to him and said, a little self-critically: “Not bad.”
    His face was a picture of inquisitiveness. “What on earth are you doing?”
    “ Training for the Paralympics.”
    “ Pardon?”
    “ Throwing the Zimmer Frame," I explained. .”It's a new event. Apparently the host country can pick an entirely new event and Britain has chosen Throwing the Zimmer Frame. It just nudged out the Hop, Hop and Hop for the one-legged I believe."
    I returned with the Zimmer to the spot from which I'd thrown it. Two twirls round my head and I launched it again. This time it went about five yards farther.
    "Quite an improvement," the man observed, approvingly.
    "Yes, must be close to my PB that one," I said, pleased with myself. “That’s Personal Best,” I explained.
    "Yes I know, I’m a fan of athletics,” he said. He thought about it for a moment. “Can anyone enter?"
    I shrugged as though I didn’t really know. "Well I suppose.” I qualified this. “You need a Zimmer Frame of course." I had a thought. “It’s possible you could get a grant; you might be able to get funding for one if you show you any promise. I’m sure I’ve heard of pole-vaulters getting grants for fibre glass poles.”
    I retrieved the Zimmer and made to throw it again.
    "Can I have a go?" asked the man.
    I handed him the Zimmer Frame. He drew his arm back and threw it as hard as he could. It landed a good ten yards farther than my last effort.
    "You're a natural," I said.
    “ Wasn’t bad was it,” said the man, pleased. “For a first stab at it.”
    First stab at it! I had him hooked. I commenced to reel him in. "I tell you what,” I said. “Why don't you get a Zimmer Frame of your own and join me? Apparently there'll be an individual competition and a pairs, one of you throws