Lick Your Neighbor by Chris Genoa Read Free Book Online Page B

LLP.”
    “It’s called multitasking,” Randy said. “In this day and age there is no more noble an ability to aspire to.”
    “I can multitask,” Donna said. “Right now I’m thinking you’re a drunk, a slob, and a stupid son-of-a-bitch. All at the exact same time.”
    “Thinking isn’t a task. It’s a shortcoming.”
    Donna scoffed and shook her head as she turned to leave the room. She stopped to check her reflection in the sign on the door.
    “What’s with this sign?” Donna asked as she puffed up her hair.
    Randy laid his head down on the desk and was trying to fall asleep. “It’s the name of my firm.”
    “Oh yeah? So where’s Goldberg and Slaughter?”
    “How should I know? I am not my Goldberg and Slaughter’s keeper.”
    “They’re not real are they, Randy? You made them up to make your pathetic little law firm sound important, didn’t you?”
    “What is real anyway?” Randy picked up a dusty multicolored koosh ball from his desk. “Is this real ? I mean, look at it, Donna. I’m touching it. Feeling it. But I have no idea what the hell it is. Is it a hat?” Randy put the koosh on his head. “Is it an armpit scrubber?” He rubbed the koosh on his sweat-stained pits. “Or am I supposed to dip it in lemon juice and shove it up my ass? And if so, then what? What happens next? Enlightenment? Perhaps, but who can say for sure? So we know that this, this thing , exists. But is it real ? You tell me!”
    With this, Randy threw the koosh at Judy, who caught it and threw it right back at him, nailing him in the face.
    “Well?” Donna asked.
    “It’s real all right.”
    “I’ll get your breakfast, idiot. Oh, almost forgot. We don’t have hashbrowns today.”
    Randy slammed his fist on the desk.
    “That does it.”
    He walked over to an unused floor lamp in the corner, ripped the cord out from it, threw one end over a pipe overhead, and then began to wrap the other end around his neck.
    “Randy.”
    “Leave me be, Donna. I’ve had enough of this. You hear that, God? First you kick us out of Paradise and now this! No hashbrowns? Seriously? Have you no compassion?”
    “Would you relax? It’s just for today. The potato shredder is missing.”
    Randy stopped wrapping.
    “Missing?” he asked. “Was there a break in? Did someone steal it? Or did it just disappear ?”
    “It just sort of disappeared. Why?”
    “Ah ha!”
    Randy unwrapped the cord and plopped back down behind his desk.
    “Ah ha what?”
    “Things don’t just disappear, Donna. When something in our world suddenly changes without explanation, when the things we take for granted are no longer there to protect us, it usually means only one thing. Chaos .”
    “Chaos? Really, Randy? Because of a potato shredder?”
    Randy rummaged through his desk drawer until he found what he was looking for. A dirty tennis ball. He picked it up, along with the koosh again, and went over to Donna.
    “See this?” Randy held out the tennis ball, inches from Donna’s face. “What is it?”
    “Is it the ball your daddy used to play fetch with you?”
    “Wrong! It’s the world we think we live in. Dirty, and worn out, yes, but also perfectly round. Easy to grasp, easy to control. Now what about this?” Randy held out the koosh. “What is it?”
    “I have no idea,” Donna said. “Your asshole scrubber?”
    “Wrong again! It’s how the world, how the universe, truly is. One big crazy mess!” Randy made the koosh dance in Donna’s face. “Oh sure, everything is connected, but to what? Who knows! And what happens when one of the strands is disturbed? Does it affect the other strands? Does it affect all the other strands? In other words, when God farts, does an old man in Italy suddenly feel a draft?”
    Donna tolerated this fussing for only a few seconds before grabbing Randy’s fingers and twisting them into a pretzel. “Now you listen to me, you little turd. I didn’t understand a single word of what you just said. And if I