Life Behind Bars by Linda Tweedie Read Free Book Online Page B

twins.  They didn’t really look alike but the whole persona
gave that impression.  It was difficult to pinpoint their ages but they
looked to be in their late 30’s or early 40’s although that really is
guesswork.
    The parents had long departed
this mortal coil and had left the house and all that went with it to ‘the
girls.’  Now, one wanted to sell up and move away but the other didn’t, so
there was a constant battle over ‘the hoose.’   At one time, I think
it was Wee Mary who rented her half out to four Polish workers in an effort to
force the situation.  But Big Mary was having none of it.  She was in
situ, so she, having increased the rent already agreed with Wee Mary, collected
it.  Wee Mary was out of pocket and out of the house, so that didn’t last
long.
    I am sure they would have
continued this strange existence ad infinitum until George Clooney entered the
picture.  Actually it was a fifty year old, ex-priest called Michael, aka
‘My Boyfriend.’   It is difficult to imagine that this insignificant
weedy-looking chap could engender such passion in two such confirmed
spinsters.  But he did.
    The competition was deadly
earnest now and it was the most absurd ménage a trois.  They seemed
to have worked out a kind of rota system which didn’t work because they were
both regulars in the same bar.  So when Michael was out with Big Mary,
Little Mary would just join them and pay for her own drinks, and when Little
Mary was the significant other, then Big Mary would do the same.   To
everyone but the threesome it was hysterical.
    This situation went on for almost
a year with Michael getting thinner and thinner and paler and paler and looking
as if he was at death’s door.  I should imagine servicing that pair, in
all ways, would exhaust anyone and he wasn’t the most sturdy of chaps to begin
with.
    Now, at this stage we’ve not met
‘Anybody’s Mary,’ or AM as she was affectionately known.  I am sure you
don’t need an explanation regarding her nickname.  AM was ‘Big Mary’ and
‘Little Mary’s’ cousin and she was some gal.  She had been married and
divorced at least three times, and had a string of paramours the length and
breadth of the country.
    She had gone off to Turkey for a
week’s holiday with another of her benevolent pals the previous year, and as
was her wont, met someone and stayed.  It would seem this romance had run
its course and here she was back.   As big and as bold as ever.  
    AM was as different to her two
cousins as chalk and cheese.  Within hours of being back she had charmed
everyone with her raucous tales and sexy banter and was already dancing on the
tables; a blatant exhibitionist.  The cousins were appalled and clinging
on to ‘My Boyfriend’ for dear life.  Michael, on the other hand, was mesmerised.  
    ‘Anybody’s Mary’ had arrived, bag
and baggage, and expected the cousins to accommodate her as they always
had.  It was the one thing about which they were united, their love and
envy of their feckless cousin.  But things were different now.  They
knew if they let her under their roof, “My Boyfriend” would be a thing of the
past but what could they do?
    It took ten days, just ten
days.  They came home from work to find a note saying:  ‘Thanks,
we’ll call you when we get settled.’
    We’ll?  Who was the
other half of ‘ We’ll?’    Of course it was the George Clooney
look-alike, aka ‘My Boyfriend.’ The pair had gone off to Benidorm to run a bar
owned by one of AM’S ex’s.   And by all accounts they are still
there, blissfully happy.
     
    Big Mary and Wee Mary?  They
still hate each other but they hate her more!

The One Armed Bandit . . .
     
    Every pub has at least one armed
bandit, aka the fruit machine or ‘the puggy’ but here in the Tweedy we had the
real thing.  We actually had a ‘one armed bandit’ called Sean.  Now
Sean was an idiot, the fact that he only had one arm is testament