Life with My Sister Madonna by Christopher Ciccone Read Free Book Online Page A

about.
    She sighs, then makes us her school lunch standby: cracker sandwiches—two saltine crackers with mayonnaise between them, which we hate. Then we all run for the bus stop, just two houses away, slipping and sliding along the key road, trying to catch up with the yellow school bus, and usually making it—but not always. Which means having to walk the three miles between our home and school.
    When we ride home from school in the bus, we crane our heads out of the windows to see if Joan’s car is in the driveway. Because if it isn’t, we know we’ll have a great afternoon. No red-faced stepmother, no one to yell at us or chase us around with a wooden spoon or slap our faces if we defy her.
    If Joan is a strict disciplinarian, our father isn’t exactly a pushover either. He is a man of action, who makes his intentions clear and doesn’t deal in ambiguities. He lets us know when we did wrong and lets us know when we did right. A conservative Catholic, he attends church every Sunday and is a church deacon. If we swear or make a smart-ass comment, he drags us into the bathroom and tells us to stick out our tongues. Then he gets out a bar of soap and scrubs our tongues with it. When he’s worked up quite a lather in our mouths, he finally lets us rinse our mouths and spit. It’s a long time before any of us make the same mistake again.
    If our father and Joan decide we have been well behaved, in the evening we are allowed to watch TV with them in the family room. Our favorite programs are My Favorite Martian, Mister Ed, The Three Stooges, and I Dream of Jeannie.
    We aren’t allowed to watch television often, but it isn’t banned. Madonna, however, doesn’t allow Lola or Rocco to watch any TV whatsoever. But when I last visit Madonna’s Sunset Boulevard home, I find it puzzling that there are TVs all over the house.
    Â 
    A S THE YEARS go by, our father and Joan develop a benign, loving companionship. They are not touchy-feely—but then neither am I, nor Madonna, not even when she was married to Sean Penn, or when she was dating Warren Beatty.
    Although we are a Catholic family and always celebrate Christmas and Easter, our father belongs to the Christian Family Movement, which fosters tolerance between Christians and Jews. So every year, we celebrate Passover together. I often wonder whether Madonna’s early familiarity with this sacred Jewish holiday—and with Judaism in general—was not only the genesis of her attraction to Kabbalah, but what also helped her bond with the powerful Jewish music moguls whom she charmed at the start of her career. As for me, as a child, I assume that our Passover celebrations are part of Easter and, until I become an adult, never quite grasp that there is a difference.
    At Christmas, we always attend midnight mass at St. Frederick’s or St. Andrew’s, which is intensely dramatic and our first introduction to theater. During Lent, our father makes us go to church every morning before school. We are such a large family that we each can’t afford to buy nine gifts every Christmas. Instead, about two weeks before Christmas, our father puts a big paper lunch bag on the kitchen table. We each write our names on a separate piece of paper, then put them in the bag. Our father shakes the bag, and we each pull out a name. Then we buy a Christmas gift for the named person, and no one else.
    One Christmas, when I am fourteen, I draw Madonna’s name, but don’t have any money to pay for her gift. My father goes to Kmart for an auto part. Marty and I go with him. The place is abuzz with Christmas shoppers, loud Muzak, and glowing fluorescent lights. I wander the aisles worrying how I am going to get a gift for Madonna. When my father and Marty aren’t looking, I steal a small bottle of Zen perfume for her, stick it in my overcoat pocket, and skulk out of the store. Suddenly, I’m grabbed from behind, marched into