Light of Day by Jamie M. Saul Read Free Book Online Page A

wall. He’d liked knowing that on that afternoon in the Caribbean, Danny was able to, felt compelled to, look up at the camera, smile and say it was one of the best days of his life. Danny musthave liked knowing that, too. Now Jack couldn’t bear to look at the photograph, or any of them. He walked quickly back to the living room.
    â€œIt’s so arbitrary,” he said to Lois, “isn’t it.”
    Lois looked at him over the top of her glasses. “What is?”
    â€œDanny—what happened to Danny. Just like that”—he snapped his fingers—“life gets turned on its head.” He sat on the couch across from her. “It isn’t that I thought it couldn’t—something, some thing could always go wrong. It isn’t that I thought just because Anne did what she did, that from there on out Danny and I were exempt, that he’d had his share and the rest was a skate. I knew it could all fall apart again, or else what the hell was all of this about?” He waved his hand in the air. “The photographs. The videos. The vacations. Gilbert. The whole goddamned structure.”
    â€œI don’t think I know what you’re talking about.”
    â€œThis,” he said, making a circle in the air with his finger. “What you called giving up my life for Danny. It was all part of the deal.”
    â€œDeal?”
    â€œI made this deal with myself. If I do this, then something bad won’t happen, or something good will . Now it sounds so childish,” he said derisively. “If I’m good, I’ll go to heaven. But I really thought if I was a good Dr. Owens, nothing bad would happen to Danny. It’s a neurotic tic, that’s all. It made me think I had some control, but I didn’t. All it was was a sucker bet. I thought if I put Danny ahead of everything else, then he would be all right. If I was the good father and did my best, made my little sacrifices, everything would turn out fine.” He leaned back but couldn’t get comfortable, rested his hip against the arm of the couch, which was a little better, and said softly, “And it seemed to be working.” He ran his hand across his eyes. “I remember I got pretty pissed off at him one time because he bitched about my cooking. I was still trying to prove to myself, to him, really, that we could be a normal family without Anne. I decided to cook all our meals. I was fanatical about it. So, I made beef Wellington for the two of us. Ever try to make beef Wellington? Danny took one bite and spit it back on his plate. He said cooking was something only mothers could do. I was angry. I was hurt. Most of all, I was disappointed in myself, but also in him for being less than generous. I told him fathers made just as good cooks as mothers. I knew what he was really talking about. But I told him, ‘I slaved all day in the kitchen, and all you can do is treat it like garbage?’ I was playing Felix Unger to his Oscar Madison. Danny was all of six but it wasn’t lost on him. He got it. He always got it. We both cracked up.” For a moment Jack was back in the kitchen with the little boy in the green T-shirt, feet kicking back and forth against the chair, he was laughing so hard. “It did taste pretty awful. Danny made me promise to experiment only on myself. It became a joke between us. Whenever we screwed anything up, we’d say, ‘Uh-oh. Beef Wellington.’ The kicker is, I didn’t even like beef Wellington.”
    â€œThen why did you make it?”
    â€œAnne was a fantastic cook and I suppose I was trying to conquer her in some symbolic way, to best her. Trying to overcome her power to make Danny and me sad. Trying to take control. Not long after that, I hired an au pair for Danny and I made sure she could cook the things he liked to eat. Yeah, I thought I had it under control. But it was just beef Wellington.” He propped his feet on the