Love... From Both Sides (A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy) by Nick Spalding Read Free Book Online

around, all looking as apprehensive as I feel. I order a drink and stand at the bar trying to look inconspicuous.
    I spend more time checking out the competition than eyeing up the ladies if I’m honest.
    There’s one guy in a white cotton suit who looks like he’s no stranger to the gym, but he’s the only stand-out in a group of unspectacular looking individuals.
    This makes me feel terrible, as chances are I look as unspectacular as they do.
    I’m amazed to discover that none of the women look like they’re on day release, or the backside of an angry cow, so my spirits rise somewhat. Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea after all…
    Five minutes pass and I nervously sip my Diet Coke until Natasha bids us follow her into the large dance floor area through a set of heavy blue curtains.
    Inside is a selection of small tables and chairs, laid out in a ring around the edge of the dance floor.
    There are sixteen men and sixteen women altogether, so we’ll get a chance to spend a whole five minutes with each member of the opposite sex before moving on to the next. The women stay seated while the men move one place to the left.
    There will be a break after the first eight dates, giving us chance to wet our whistles and pop to the loo.
    We’re given forms that we’re supposed to fill out afterwards, indicating whether we’d like to see any of the dates again - and those that match are put together by the company in a subsequent ‘proper’ date.
    It’s a masterpiece of efficiency, and I can’t help wondering if a German originally invented speed dating.
    I go over to table thirteen and sit down opposite a wide-eyed red head with an angular nose.
    A buzzer goes off and the speed dating begins!
    I won’t recount every second of each date, but here are the highlights:
     
    Date one is Carol.
    Carol is forty, a mother of four and loves to tango.
    I hate children, am not attracted to older women, and only dance when stupid drunk.
    Carol’s husband left her for his masseuse, taking their dog Wuffly Frank with him.
    I’m fairly sure this is too much information for a five minute date.
    I tell Carol I’m a national yo-yo champion, can speak fluent Swahili and work part-time as an Elvis impersonator – figuring that I’m never going to see the woman again, so why not have a little fun?
    I’m telling her the Swahili for testicles when the buzzer sounds and I move on.
     
    Date two is Angela.
    Angela is thirty, has no children and permanently looks off to the left.
    It’s highly disconcerting.
    The slightly worried look on her face doesn’t help either.
    I keep thinking there’s some mad axe-man or rabid Yeti standing behind me, about to attack at any moment.
    I tell Angela I used to be a roadie for The Wurzels , have French kissed Sinead O’Connor and can whistle through my eyeballs.
    Thankfully the buzzer goes before I am called upon to prove this.
     
    Date three is Bryce.
    Bryce is an American living in the UK , and working for Nintendo.
    Much like the games she sells, Bryce is colourful, irritating, hard to understand and loud.
    Unlike the games she sells she doesn’t have an off switch.
    ‘Oh my God, I love Ant and Dec!’ she screeches at me.
    I tell Bryce I’m employed as a chicken sexer , have never slept in a real bed and think Stephen Hawking is faking it.
    She’s asking me where a chicken’s penis is when the buzzer goes.
     
    Dates four and five are both so deathly dull I can barely bring myself to write about them.
    I can’t even remember their names, but I know one of them thought tarmac was a beautiful word.
    One of them was wearing beige.
    I’m pretty sure the other one was actually made of it.
    You know they say a minute can last a lifetime?
    They’re wrong.
    It can last an entire geological epoch.
     
    Date six is Magdalena .
    The second foreigner of the evening is originally from Portugal , but now works as a medium up in London .
    You’d think anyone with psychic powers would know that