me?
I stand, place my huge stack of books into the shopping basket, and head toward the checkout to pay. I’m anxious to head home for the quiet escape into the pages to meet my new friends.
Walking toward my car in the shopping center with a shameful amount of joy from the large bag I carry, I see a young couple looking blissfully happy as they walk past me hand-in-hand carrying ice-cream cones. They’re laughing as they sweetly converse with each other. Clearly, they’re in love. I can almost see the emoji hearts hovering above them. It’s precious to witness that as an outsider looking in, and it makes me wonder what it would feel like to have that sort of connection. I know relationships are not always a field of daisies, but I also know that I have people in my life who have those connections, and I don’t think they’d give it up for all the tea in England, even on the hard days.
I slide into the front seat and place the bag of greatness on the passenger seat floorboard. I glance at Ashley’s note in my peripheral, and I remember the question I asked myself in disgust moments earlier. At what point will I stop allowing her to control me and decide that I need to take the reins of my own life and do what’s best for me?
It’s wrong that my desire to defy my mother is so blatant, but the burning desire to do it isn’t because I feel the need to rebel. I don’t want to rebel. I just don’t want to wake up one day and regret I haven’t lived when I could have and should have. I have no excuses and no one to blame but myself for not enjoying my college life to the fullest here. It was different when I lived at home and was under my mother’s watch. Here, she’s not watching that closely. I think today is as good a day as any to try something new!
I pull out my phone firing off a quick text to Ashley telling her I’m on my way and not to tell Morgan. I want to surprise her and can’t wait to see her fall over in shock when I walk in. My scalp tingles with overwhelming excitement, but the nervousness is still outweighing the excitement.
I consider the outfit I’m wearing and try to recall the wardrobe selections of the other girls. They were all wearing short skirts and dresses with tops showing tons of cleavage, but they were still mostly on the casual-ish side. Since I own nothing within the slutty category of wardrobe options, I won’t be running home to change. After a quick glance in the mirror on my sun visor, I decide to unbutton the first two buttons of my blouse. Looking down, I see the crests of my breasts and a little cleavage mostly hidden by the lacy cami. It’s risqué enough and pretty much all I can do anyway. I don’t want to go so crazy in my need to experience life that I turn into a slutty party animal all in one night. Baby steps. It’ll work.
Driving back to campus, I rehash my decision now wishing I’d never texted Ashley and just waited to surprise everyone when I walked in the door; but if that were the case, I probably wouldn’t make it to the door. I know I’m stuck now.
I park behind the line of cars and am at least a block from the house. Getting out of my car, I glance down at my outfit again. I pull my shirt together and fumble to button the blouse up. No way, this can’t happen. This was a huge mistake, and I’m claiming temporary insanity. I move back toward my car to leave. I need to brush off this ridiculous idea and text Ash to make my excuse. Before I reach the door, Ashley’s voice calls out my name, and I look up to see her smiling face headed my direction. Why I didn’t think to pretend not to hear her is beyond my smarts, and now, I cannot ignore her. I’ll just have to tell her I’ve changed my mind or come up with an excuse that’s something’s come up.
“O.M.G. I didn’t think you’d ever come. I’m so excited to see you,” she says with bubbly joy just as I’m