Mad Cows by Kathy Lette Read Free Book Online Page B

the
psychotic
approach.’
    The kettle shrieked. Maddy, mopping at her shirt front, could have kicked herself. What was wrong with her? She’d have to run her own workshop, entitled ‘How To Lose Friends and Alienate Everyone’.
    A convulsive start rattled Slynne’s frame, from hair tint to toe-nails. Edwina Phelps, defeated, shook her head in despair. Slynne elbowed her aside and began his sarcastic mantra. ‘You do not have to say anything unless you wish to do so, but what you say may be given in evidence . . . do you want your lawyer?’
    Few things in this life are more reassuring than being in the hands of a legal-aid lawyer – one is sitting on a jumbo jet that’s about to make unscheduled contact with the Himalayas. This was the thought in Maddy’s mind as she waited for legal-budgie Rupert Peregrine in the dank, dimly lit legal-visit room, soured by decades of over-wrought armpits.
    â€˜Look,’ she announced urgently as he lumbered into the room, ‘they can’t do anything to me. Not without a body.’
    â€˜It’s touching, your naivety.’ Peregrine put down his briefcase and struggled out of his jacket. ‘Two inmates have already made statements saying that they saw you kill the baby.’
    â€˜What!’ The heat of injustice flushed her face. ‘But that’s crap. Why would they say that?’
    Peregrine lowered his great weight on to the swizzle chair opposite, which gave the customary moan of protest she’d come to expect from any piece of furniture unfortunate enough to be in contact with her para-legal’s posterior.
    â€˜Prison, Ms Wolfe, is full of roach-like reprobates desperate to ingratiate themselves with the Powers That Be.’ Scuttling his chair backwards, he checked the doorlock. This guy had the single-mindedness of a cruise missile. ‘I could help quash these reports, lose relevant files on the computer’ – he rolled the chair closer to his quarry – ‘if I had the right incentive. My offer still . . . how shall I put this’ – a trail of slaver hit the table between them – ‘
stands
.’
    Maddy looked over her Law Society-approved knight in pin-striped armour. Yesterday’s coldsore was now slick with ointment. ‘If I’m feeling masochistic, Mr Peregrine, I go shopping for a new swimming costume. That’s about as self-loathing as I get.’
    â€˜But when the microchips are down?’
    Maddy contemplated a subtle hint to let him know she wasn’t in the mood – like smashing the ceramic ashtray over his head. ‘The answer is still no.’ She pointed to his glistening herpes. ‘Besides which, your enthusiasm is kind of catching, you know?’
    â€˜Your court appearance is on Thursday.’ The gunshot click of the catches on his opening briefcase made her jump in her chair. ‘Until now, the case against you was fairly flimsy. An illegal immigrant, yes, but white, so we politely call you an over-stayer. Only circumstantial evidence – the stolen wallet – to link you to credit-card fraud and a defence both plausible and tear-jerking. But now, infanticide? The judge will not even consider bail without someone of substance to stand surety. Madam,’ – he hooked pudgy thumbs through straining belt loops – ‘my joy pendulum awaits you.’
    Maddy’s heart sank into her socks. ‘You know, this conversation is strangely familiar.’
    â€˜
Strangely familiar
.’ Her solicitor winced, retreating into his professional demeanour. ‘Oxymorons are to me abhorrent. Please remember that, Ms Wolfe.’
    Maddy could feel a headache gnawing at her temple. ‘Rupert?’
    â€˜Yes?’ Leering hopefully, he rolled up his shirt sleeves, exposing milk bottle-white forearms, formidably shagpiled.
    â€˜Fuck you and the synthetic suit you rode in on.’
    Peregrine laughed