Marriage Illustrated with Crappy Pictures by Amber Dusick Read Free Book Online Page B

usually.
    And this is how I look for something:

    I find it.
    SICKNESS
    This is how I act when I have a cold:

    Normal life only with more tissues.
    This is how he acts when he has a cold:

    He has the sniffles. The world must stop.
    THE LAUNDRY BASKET
    This is what I do with dirty clothes:

    I put them in the laundry basket.
    And this is what he does with dirty clothes:

    He throws them near the laundry basket. He says there is a force field around it.
    DRIVING
    This is what I do to prepare to drive somewhere new:

    I map the route on my laptop and phone and then write out the step-by-step directions just in case technology fails.
    And this is what he does to prepare to drive somewhere new:

    And somehow, he always does.
    EATING FOOD
    Late at night:

    I’m still plenty full from dinner.
    This is how he is:

    He can’t get enough. If he doesn’t fill up a cart of food, he’ll have to constantly pause the movie to get more snacks.

CHAPTER
HOUSEHOLD
RESPONSIBILITIES

    Both of us suck at this.

THE WRENCH
    Crappy Husband fixed the leaky sink. Yay! I thank him and all that good stuff.
    He leaves the wrench on the kitchen counter, so a couple of hours later I ask him where it goes so I can put it away.

    He says that he’ll deal with it in a bit. Fine.
    Two days later the wrench is still there.

    Again, I ask him where it goes. Notice I’m not bugging him to put it away. I’m even being courteous and trying to find out where he wants it. But again he says he’ll handle it. Fine.
    Two weeks later the wrench is still there. I’m quite certain that Crappy Husband cannot see it any longer. It blends into the tile like a chameleon.
    So I put it away.

    I don’t throw it away or do anything evil. I simply put it with his other tools in the garage.
    Two seconds later, he points at the counter in pure panic.

    He insists that he was just going to put it away.
    CLEANING THE HOUSE
    We are having friends over, which means we have to clean our house more than usual. Usual being not at all. So we agree to divide and conquer. This is what happens.

    Sigh. He was joking. Sort of.
    OUR CLEANING WEAKNESSES
    The thing is, Crappy Husband and I are equally pretty terrible at household cleaning. To make it worse, we are complete opposites in how we are terrible. He has no follow-through while I can’t stop once I start.

    He proudly announces that he did the laundry. It’s like he expects a medal or a massage or something.
    But I know how he does laundry.

    He doesn’t actually
do
laundry.
    He
starts
laundry.
    All he does is put clothes into the washing machine and then he walks away. Doing laundry is when you also put the clothes in the dryer, fold the clothes and then put them away.
    He is also good at starting the dishes. This is done by filling the sink with hot, soapy water and letting dishes float in it until the water turns cold and the suds disappear.
    And he excels at starting to take out the trash. This is done by removing the full bag of trash from the bin, tying a knot in the top and then placing it on the floor next to the bin, without putting in a new bag.
    His intentions are there. He just has no follow-through.
    Me, on the other hand, once I start something I can’t stop.

    Cleaning doesn’t make anything look clean. It just makes the rest of my house look dirty.
    If I upset the delicate balance of general untidiness, then I’ll see how really truly filthy my entire house is, and the angry cleaning beast will wake up. The angry cleaning beast will go on a swearing/cleaning rampage that lasts for several days until she finally collapses while wiping down bottles of cleaning products and bars of soap with a damp washcloth.
    I’m powerless against the beast once the metamorphosis happens. So it’s better to avoid cleaning as much as possible. Especially since it looks the same two days later either way.
    THE COCKROACH BATTLE
    I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth before bed.

    I’m startled by a large brown cockroach