Marry Me by Dan Rhodes Read Free Book Online Page B

extraordinary pieces?’ she asked.
    Dazed, I found myself signing up to buy three saucepans, a frying pan and an oven dish, as well as a number of associated accessories.
    â€˜You’re my first customer,’ she said, sealing the deal with a firm handshake. ‘I would give you a discount because I know you, but it’s early days and I’m sure you’ll understand that I’ve got to keep a firm grip on my finances now I’m a single gal.’

SIGNALS
    My wife handed me an envelope, and I excitedly tore it open to find a greetings card with a picture of some kittens on it. I looked inside, and in her neatest handwriting she had written:
Thank you so much for putting up with me through my lesbian phase
.
    â€˜What lesbian phase?’ I asked.
    â€˜Oh,’ she said, looking surprised, ‘it’s been going on for about two years. I thought it was obvious: the short hair; the dungarees; the way I wouldn’t let you touch me.’
    I was stupefied, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t read the signals.
    â€˜But never mind all that,’ she said, reaching up to ruffle my hair. ‘I’m back to normal now. I’ll go and put on loads of make-up, and we can pretend it never happened.’

CHURCH
    My fiancée had never been even slightly religious, but she was determined to have a traditional wedding. ‘There’s just something nice about churches,’ she said. ‘They’re really old, and stuff like that.’ After looking at quite a few, she chose her favourite, and we went along to talk through the arrangements. All the time, I could see she was stifling giggles, and as soon as we were outside she got on the phone to her sister and told her all about it. ‘There was this man in a dress,’ she guffawed, ‘and he kept going on and on about God.’
    When she’d hung up, I asked if she would rather look for a more secular venue, but she was adamant that we stick to her original plan. ‘It’s so weddingy in there, with all those colourful windows and the candles and that weird-sounding piano.’ Then she thought of something. ‘Wait here,’ she said. ‘I’m going back to ask that man to pray for sunshine. That kind of thing’s probably not real, but it’s worth a try because you never know.’

COLD
    A week before our wedding day, my fiancée suggested I go into suspended animation and leave all the lastminute preparations to her. At first I wasn’t sure about the idea, but she soon convinced me that it would be best for both of us if I was to take something of a back seat. She took me to the local cryogenic freezing centre, and told me she would thaw me out on the morning of the big day. She kissed me goodbye, and shut the door to the chamber.
    When I unfroze, there was no one there to meet me. I walked over to her place to see how things were getting along. She saw me coming up the path, and called out, ‘Look, everyone, it’s the Iceman.’ As I got closer, I noticed she looked a bit different, in a way I couldn’t quite put my finger on. A tall, handsome man I had never seen before came out of the house, followed by a group of children, and they all started pointing at me and laughing.
    She explained that she’d had cold feet, and hadn’t been able to resist setting the timer for fifteen years. Then she stopped laughing, and her face turned to stone. She told me she hardly remembered me, and that it was time I left. She said I was trespassing, and that she would be well within her rights to call the police.

NEW DIRECTION
    As our wedding day approached, my fiancée became increasingly excited about the new direction our lives were taking. ‘Just think of all the pathetic stuff we’ll be able to do,’ she said. ‘We can watch cookery shows together, and talk about curtains, and have really boring