Mealtimes and Milestones by Constance Barter Read Free Book Online Page A

lunch. The agreement was that as long as I was up to date with food by lunch, whether orally or by
tube, I could go out with my parents in the afternoon. After lunch I was down for a glass of Ribena and a glass of water. The nurse measured out 500 ml of water, we were about to go in for the
feed, when another member of staff collared me and said that I had to be up to date with calories before I could go out, and therefore refused to let me be tubed the Ribena. So she made me go back
for twenty-five minutes and sit until I drank the Ribena.
    One side of me just wanted to drink it because I desperately wanted to go out with my parents, but the other wasn’t sure whether four hours out was worth drinking it for, because it makes
everything inside me so much worse. By choosing to drink I am taking sides, and disrupting my ‘being neutral’ plan.
    I finally drank my Ribena, and then had the water tubed. My parents by now had now been waiting for well over half an hour. When I came out to join them a torrent of tears streamed down my face
and on to my dad and I was crying, ‘It’s not fair, it’s just not fair!’
    One thing that we had been working on in family therapy was that they should give me space to be able to say that I wasn’t OK, and that I wasn’t in the mood to be happy all the time.
So in the car I explained why I was crying. It was a real breakthrough for me, and in the end we had a great time out, and it really helped me to see that persistence does pay off.
    Sunday 9 September
    I spoke on the phone today to one of my greatest friends, who moved away in July. We just talked and gossiped about anything and everything! It really cheered me up. It
was so incredible to talk, and it is one of those phone calls that I will never forget.
    Monday 10 September
    In my key session we did something quite different. We went upstairs and used the drum kit to see if I could try and express myself that way. My key worker gave me
different feelings or situations and I had to transfer these on to the drums. Examples included guilt, hope, the two voices in my head and depression. Things like guilt were large, strident sounds.
Hope was very quiet, almost a non-existent tinkle. For depression there wasn’t a noise. It was just a blank silence. It makes me feel empty inside. It hasn’t got a beat or a melody.
It’s a continuous desolate space inside me.
    It was really interesting and helpful, because it made me see which emotions are stronger and it was a different form of expression from trying to explain in words.
    Tuesday 11 September
    In family therapy we talked about the death of my grandfather. For me, there has always been a great mystery behind it. I came to my own conclusion recently – that
he died in our guest bedroom – but my mum always denied it.
    He was staying with us because I wanted to show him my new junior school, so he had come down for a couple of nights. In the morning I was a bit surprised that he wasn’t at breakfast and
wondered why my other grandparents took me to school, but I didn’t question it – I was only seven or eight at the time. In the afternoon when my parents picked me up from school they
told me that Granddad had died that day on the way to the hospital in an ambulance.
    In family therapy today I was told the truth – that he did actually die in his sleep in our guest room. Mum had found him dead in the morning, and she wanted to protect me, and
didn’t want me to see his body. Although it was hard to hear this, I am pleased that I finally know the truth and the reason for the redecoration of that room and the new bed. I totally
understand why they did it, yet they still lied to me – and perhaps I am more resilient than they think? But why can’t I be more resilient to anorexia?
    Wednesday 12 September
    The issue around NG feeds was around quite a lot because there are now four people on NG tubes. Feeds can be quite distressing for some people and so it has to be