Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates by Mike Stangle Read Free Book Online Page B

he’d still have me there with my face smushed into the grass on my front lawn had Denise not come outside screaming for it to end. It was over before it started, Mom.
    I’ve battled my father over thirteen grueling Purges, through my entire adolescence, and lost every fucking time. When JT and I started our annual battle, I was fourteen. I was young and dumb, and (soon to be) full of cum. I thought I knew the way! When I finally got my shit together and retired? I was twenty-six. It took me until then to realize that maybe JT was onto something all along. Maybe I was the shithead.
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    1  Shame on you if you don’t know who John Kreese is. Uh, that bad guy from Karate Kid ? I hope 90 percent of you just said “Oh yeah” and the other 10 percent of you just shut the fucking book. RIP, Mr. Miyagi, by the way.

The Hunt
Let’s Be Offensively Honest
A Little Something for the Ladies
A Look into a Man’s Psyche, at the Expense of Your Respect
    ( Mike)
    We have very few single female friends who want to be single. Some do; maybe they want to focus on their careers or they’re just trying to shake a tough case of the broken-heart blues. If you’re one of those gals, skip this chapter. But by and large, most single gals don’t want to be single. “Single Ladies” isn’t just one of Dave’s top five songs of all time; it represents a large population of modern-day gals who share one common circumstance: they’ve got no man. Everyone has female friends who desperately want boyfriends. It happens to most females at some point in the five years following college. Or always. The reasons don’t matter much. Maybe you’re feeling the pressure from your folks, because they were married by twenty-two. Maybe you’ve got some insecurities about growing old alone. Maybe it’s because all of your friends are doing it. Hey, maybe you just need the D all the time . Maybe it’s science.
    We get it. Game on. It’s hunting season. We know you gals in cities like New York and D.C. have it rough. The competition is nuts! City gals are hot! And there are tons of them. They’re everywhere. Even if they aren’t, it doesn’t make it any easier. All you San Fran gals don’t know what to think, because the fellas there are mostly into other fellas. Whether you’re in the burbs or a city, we get how tough your competition is. We also get how picky that allows us guys to be. I’ve been getting girls that are light-years out of my league for . . . light-years! Plus, on top of that, most of us are total dickheads. Mike sure is. I’ve seen that kid blow off dates because he ate too many Gushers, and he is twenty-five years old! It’s hard out there, and we get that. We’re not defending guys; we’re trying to help you deal with these idiots so you can eventually be stuck with one. Make sense? Nope, not for us, either.
    Do you ever look at certain guys and wonder why they are more successful with women? More than likely, they’ve learned what women want and they play into that. You should do the same thing with guys. Dave owns like sixty pairs of shoes. He has seasonal shoes ! Do most guys do that? No. Do you think he has so many shoes because he loves shoes? Nope. But you love shoes, and it’s the first thing you look at when you meet him. Oh look at that, he’s off to a good start with you. Good for you, Dave. She’s cute.
    Let’s get on with a look inside our heads. We hope this helps with the fellas, you man-hunters. You can hate us for now, but we expect an invite to the wedding.
    1. Where are the best hunting grounds? Uh, we don’t fucking know.
    Where are you going tonight? Go to a bar. Don’t go to a club. No one meets his or her husband at a club unless you’re Pitbull or Pitbull’s wife (lucky gal). That hot guy you spotted last week at a club with a name from a Stefan