Millom in the Dock by Frankie Lassut Read Free Book Online Page B

worried.
    Customer: “Come
by lad” … tweet!
    Dog: Stops
playing and follows instruction; ‘come by’ is a common one which it
recognises but, the customer only thinks they recognise (duuuh!
It’s turn right isn’t it?) ... “Woof! Yelp!” as it runs obediently
into the fence (very human).
    Customer: “Go
hither lad” … tweet tweeeeeet!
    Dog: “Woof!
Wuwu … woof woof (what?) Hehhehhehh … ehhehhehheh” (panting). Just
runs anywhere, snaps at a fly, sniffs a kite (shaw), wee wees on a
nettle, too close, Yelp!
    Customer: “Come
thither lad! Lie down!” … tweeeeet tweet tweet!
    I know what
you’re thinking M’lud, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear
reader and, yes, it does make Drabble’s Mob look organised (Phil
Drabble used to present ‘One Man and His Dog’ years / eons
ago).
    Dog: “Yelp!
Hehhehhehh … ehhehhehheh?” As it hits the fence again.
    Customer: “Go
awer yonder lad!” … tweeeeeeeet! Tweeeeeeet! Tweeeeet!!
     
    This goes on
for some time, meanwhile, the cows and other edible (?) quadrupeds
are sat in a group chewing chlorophyll and watching the action.
Eventually the dog, face crisscrossed with wire burns and its
little scrotum tingling with nettle venom, gets fed up! Who could
blame it? So, making a conscious decision to, from that point on,
live a life of ‘bliss’, decided to run off and go rabbiting.
    The confused
customer is left with no choice but to give chase to his or her
quarry on foot (like in the good old days of loin cloths and grunts
... and Raquel Welch!). Hours later, after some good healthy fell
running, a bunch of amused bipeds i.e. the rest of the family, turn
up, knowing instinctively what has happened (again!) and surround
the (now depressed) goods. All in all, a good healthy days shopping
which, by the way, I have decided to place in this section and not
in the shopping section as, it is pretty inventive you must admit
M’lud, ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader, in a ‘shaw
kite fridge’ filling sort of way. Mind you, all Sharpo did was go
out with his lurchers, which are pretty good fridge fillers
too.
    The other point
I would briefly like to take up here is the statement accompanying
that about the farmyards made by PC Glyn Griffiths (I know Glyn!)
…
    “A lot of
families are related by marriage one way or another.”
    ?????????
    I hope the PC
isn’t trying to imply here that … Nooooo! The people in M do not
have misshapen heads and play banjo, the only bent objects in town
being … (nick nick?)
    So M’lud,
ladies and gentlemen of the Jury, dear reader … one main road! As
for the town centre itself, one bridge in, one bridge out, too durn
big! To shake it all about! Yow! And one ‘Bridge Café’, thank you
Mr and Mrs ‘Russell’ Townsend. Yes! As good as ‘cut off’ from
civilisation as we know it! So … how would the big wiiiiide world
ever learn of the completely un-versatile Gammawave oven for
example?
    I will now
verbally list for you the Jury and you the reader just a few of the
fascinating local inventions from this one horse town. If any of
you good people are business angels or, just fancy a dabble with
your nest egg it may be worth you taking notes for future
reference.
     
    1: WIND POWERED
FLIGHT (Circa 1980) ... (for Chris, Freddie and Arthur)
    Freddie Hunter,
a rich Haverigg farmer, actually made the first Cumbrian one
horsepower flight. Good old Freddie! Mate of mine … honest. It’s 1
a.m. and Peg’s at home in bed, she doesn’t do night flights. Yes
that’s iced tea (and Fred’s the Pope!)
     

     
    Local Hero of
Haverigg (just outside the border of Millom)
     
    The horse,
called Peggy, who we’ve already briefly met by the side of the
bowling green, was a rather suspect buy from an ex fairground
gypsy, an ‘old’ mate of mine called William Taylor, better known as
Sir William of Haverigg … knighted by King Arthur for services to
Hick town entertainment. He now renovates fairground