Miss Manners by Iman Sid Read Free Book Online Page A

up and doing things to the day (i.e. seizing it and grabbing it by the goolies, etc.), but I was experiencing a oneness with my mattress. I’d melted into the springs, flock and foam rubber.
    Plus, there was nothing compelling me to get out of bed other than a judgmental cat staring through the window.
    Five more minutes and then I ’ll get up.
    I wanted to get back to my dream, but it was too late. It was gone.
    As I slowly regained consciousness, my legs dragged the rest of my concrete-heavy limbs out of bed.
    You know when your entire body feels like a heavy brick? Well, mine felt like an eight-ton African elephant had been sitting on it after a hefty meal.
    I went and made myself a nice hot cup of my usual Earl Grey, collected the post, then slumped down on the sofa. I could tell immediately what most of the envelopes were without even opening them. Bills, bills and more bills.
    I hate bills, not least because I have financial dyslexia. I mean, I haven ’t exactly got what you’d call a mathematical mind. I am to the Pythagoras’ theorem what a hippopotamus is to ice-dancing. Not a natural.
    As I reluctantly opened each letter, I attempted to mind-count all the expenses:
     
BILLS
PER MONTH
 
    Housing:
    Rent
    Gas/Electricity
    Water (Clean & Waste)
    Telephone Line Rental
    Broadband/National & Int. Calls
    Mobile (Contract)
     
    Transportation:
    Car Fuel
     
    Insurance:
    Home Insurance
    Car Insurance
     
    Food:
    Groceries
     
    Taxes:
    Council Tax
    Car Tax
     
    TOTAL
 
     
    £ 600 (£1,800 split three ways)
    £20 (£60 split three ways)
    £200 (£600 split three ways)
    £8.50 (£25.50 split three ways)
    £25 (£75 split three ways)
    £20
     
     
    £80
     
     
    £9 (£27 split three ways)
    £45
     
     
    £40
     
     
    £80 (£240 split three ways)
    £160
     
    £1,2 87.50
     
    But then, just as I thought that my problems couldn’t get any worse, I found a letter addressed to me underneath the pile. It read:
     
    Dear Miss Borgström,
     
    Your unpaid clamped vehicle, Classic Mini Cooper, has been impounded at the Camden Vehicle Pound.
     
    Payment for removals/release need to be made in person at the vehicle pound (identification for owner/driver and the motor vehicle, for example, DVLA document V5/VRC, valid certificate of insurance or bill of sale must be produced before release). You will need to make a payment of £200 by Sunday, 1st May.
     
    Yours sincerely,
     
    Mike Fairstow
    Vehicle Pound Manager
     
    ‘ Oh, come on,’ I groaned.
    I thought Mondays were bad. Tuesdays are worse!
    I threw the letter to one side, lay back on the sofa, picked up my Earl Grey and accompanying calorific snacks, then turned on the TV for my daily dose of the morning news.
    But, to my horror (almost causing me to spill my tea), there I was in a pink bunny costume fighting with Pinkie in a YouTube video clip. I felt my mouth drop open in shock...
     
    ‘Celebs are taking cat-fighting to a new level. ExtremeGossip.com, an online celebrity gossip channel, were the first to report the incident after discovering a number of YouTube videos and photos posted online yesterday. At the signing event of her new children’s book, Bunny Simpkins , socialite-turned-author Pinkie Mortimer got into a fight with none other than Bunny Simpkins herself, just days after revealing she’ll be entering this year’s prestigious Miss Manners contest, where she’ll be going head to head with arch-rival Genevieve de la Croix in a bid to validate her socialite status...’
     
    I switched to another news channel. And there I was again...
     
    ‘... and the fight comes just weeks before this year’s Miss Manners contest. Will this be enough to affect Pinkie’s chances of winning?’
     
    This is not happening , I reassured myself. I’m still asleep and this is all a bad dream . I stared closely at the TV to make sure that my face wasn’t visible.
     
    It was.
     
    No way! My meltdown had been captured on camera and uploaded onto YouTube, spreading like a