Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies) by Jill Smokler Read Free Book Online

or smear some peanut butter and jelly on some slices of bread, throw an applesauce and bag of pretzels into their lunch boxes, and call it a day. Last year, Jeff had the audacity to offer his commentary on my process. “You’re not making those sandwiches with much love,” he snidely remarked, as I plopped the jelly down, assembly-line-style, on six slices of bread.
    And then I killed him. Butter knife straight to the heart.
    Gee, Jeff, I’m not sure where my enthusiasm for making our children their crappy lunches went. Perhaps I lost it the six millionth time I smeared that cream cheese. Regardless, love has nothing to do with it. I choose to show my love for my children a billion other ways. Their lunches is not one of them.
    Love wasn’t the secret ingredient in Jeff’s dinner that night, either, unless Papa John’s uses a dash of love along with their special sauce, as I retaliated for his unwanted opinion by providing cold pizza for dinner. But at least the kids ate that night, and I got a night off from cooking, which makes me even happier than presenting my man with a delicious, home cooked meal of his liking.
    Even Donna Reed needs a night off.
    Things Kids Never Say
    1.  You’re making what for dinner? YUM!
    2.  I know where my soccer cleats are!
    3.  I’m going to play with my toys now. I really do have so many of them.
    4.  Mommy is on the phone right now, so let’s entertain ourselves quietly.
    5.  That puddle would make an awfully big mess. I’m not going to stomp in it.
    6.  We’re going to be in the car for five hours? Let me pee first.
    7.  I’m too full for dessert.
    8.  I have a lot of homework tonight, I should get started.
    9.  Can I have some dental floss?
    10.  We all decided that we want to watch the same thing on TV.
    11.  We’re going to be late, let’s go!
    12.  You’re so much more fun than Daddy.
    13.  Let’s get those thank-you notes over with!
    14.  I’ve had enough electronics for the day.
    15.  I have a class project due two weeks from now.
    16.  I’m ready for bed.
    17.  I don’t care what my friends are allowed to have or do.
    18.  What did you ask me to do before? I want to make sure I go and do it.
    19.  I’m really enjoying this long car ride.
    20.  I need to wash my hands.
    21.  I’ll take the smallest piece, please.
    22.  You’re in the bathroom? Okay, I’ll wait to ask you my unimportant question.
    23.  We don’t have school tomorrow? That stinks.
    24.  There’s so much to do in this house!
    25.  Thank you for that yummy lunch! I didn’t trade any of it at the cafeteria.

Lie #11
YOU ARE YOUR OWN HARSHEST CRITIC

    Having a teenager in the house has been detrimental to my self-esteem. Sometimes, I want to treat her exactly the way she treats me, but that would be child abuse.
    â€”Scary Mommy Confession #252463
    I ’m a horrible mother. My kids watch too much television, they eat too much junk food, and they don’t participate in enough extracurricular activities. They have poor sleeping habits because Jeff and I were too lazy to put them to bed properly when we had our chance, and sometimes they wear shorts in November.
    I’m a shitty wife. I’m always cranky and frequently take it out on my husband. I reserve my few moments of pleasantness for my kids, and so all my husband gets is “No,” “Are you kidding me?!” and “Do what I said.” Sex these days is like a drive-in movie: open for your viewing pleasure, but you’re on your own.
    I’m so fat. I need a tummy tuck, and my upper arms have a better sense of movement than my feet. I vacillate between three different clothing sizes. And by vacillate, I mean I ONCE hit the smaller of the three in the last nine years.
    I can’t even count the number of times that thoughts like this have raced through my