or smear some peanut butter and jelly on some slices of bread, throw an applesauce and bag of pretzels into their lunch boxes, and call it a day. Last year, Jeff had the audacity to offer his commentary on my process. âYouâre not making those sandwiches with much love,â he snidely remarked, as I plopped the jelly down, assembly-line-style, on six slices of bread.
And then I killed him. Butter knife straight to the heart.
Gee, Jeff, Iâm not sure where my enthusiasm for making our children their crappy lunches went. Perhaps I lost it the six millionth time I smeared that cream cheese. Regardless, love has nothing to do with it. I choose to show my love for my children a billion other ways. Their lunches is not one of them.
Love wasnât the secret ingredient in Jeffâs dinner that night, either, unless Papa Johnâs uses a dash of love along with their special sauce, as I retaliated for his unwanted opinion by providing cold pizza for dinner. But at least the kids ate that night, and I got a night off from cooking, which makes me even happier than presenting my man with a delicious, home cooked meal of his liking.
Even Donna Reed needs a night off.
Things Kids Never Say
1. Â Youâre making what for dinner? YUM!
2. Â I know where my soccer cleats are!
3. Â Iâm going to play with my toys now. I really do have so many of them.
4. Â Mommy is on the phone right now, so letâs entertain ourselves quietly.
5. Â That puddle would make an awfully big mess. Iâm not going to stomp in it.
6. Â Weâre going to be in the car for five hours? Let me pee first.
7. Â Iâm too full for dessert.
8. Â I have a lot of homework tonight, I should get started.
9. Â Can I have some dental floss?
10. Â We all decided that we want to watch the same thing on TV.
11. Â Weâre going to be late, letâs go!
12. Â Youâre so much more fun than Daddy.
13. Â Letâs get those thank-you notes over with!
14. Â Iâve had enough electronics for the day.
15. Â I have a class project due two weeks from now.
16. Â Iâm ready for bed.
17. Â I donât care what my friends are allowed to have or do.
18. Â What did you ask me to do before? I want to make sure I go and do it.
19. Â Iâm really enjoying this long car ride.
20. Â I need to wash my hands.
21. Â Iâll take the smallest piece, please.
22. Â Youâre in the bathroom? Okay, Iâll wait to ask you my unimportant question.
23. Â We donât have school tomorrow? That stinks.
24. Â Thereâs so much to do in this house!
25. Â Thank you for that yummy lunch! I didnât trade any of it at the cafeteria.
Lie #11
YOU ARE YOUR OWN HARSHEST CRITIC
Having a teenager in the house has been detrimental to my self-esteem. Sometimes, I want to treat her exactly the way she treats me, but that would be child abuse.
âScary Mommy Confession #252463
I âm a horrible mother. My kids watch too much television, they eat too much junk food, and they donât participate in enough extracurricular activities. They have poor sleeping habits because Jeff and I were too lazy to put them to bed properly when we had our chance, and sometimes they wear shorts in November.
Iâm a shitty wife. Iâm always cranky and frequently take it out on my husband. I reserve my few moments of pleasantness for my kids, and so all my husband gets is âNo,â âAre you kidding me?!â and âDo what I said.â Sex these days is like a drive-in movie: open for your viewing pleasure, but youâre on your own.
Iâm so fat. I need a tummy tuck, and my upper arms have a better sense of movement than my feet. I vacillate between three different clothing sizes. And by vacillate, I mean I ONCE hit the smaller of the three in the last nine years.
I canât even count the number of times that thoughts like this have raced through my
Learning to Kill: Stories