Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies) by Jill Smokler Read Free Book Online Page B

“kinda ugly.” She is the Joan Rivers of the house, and she is ruthless.
    The patch of white hairs, the stubble on my legs, the heels in need of exfoliating . . . nothing goes unnoticed by my lovely children. At the end of the day, as I read the boys bedtime stories, Evan inevitably focuses on my face. “What’s that dot?” he will ask, pointing to the tiniest pore or a birthmark or a chicken pox scar. One by one, he counts them like he’s counting sheep, falling asleep to the comfort of my imperfections.
    It’s a miracle that any mother has the slightest bit of self-esteem left after the criticism our children and peers put us through on a daily basis. If men were treated like this, I’m quite sure that they would just crawl back into bed for the rest of their lives and mope about their feelings being hurt. But not us. We can take whatever the world throws at us and power on. Our skin isn’t thick, it’s impenetrable. Or getting there, at least.
    And, may I just say, you’re way too hard on yourself. We all think you’re doing a great job.
    The Seven Stages of
    Getting Dressed for a Rare Night Out
    1.   S HOCK & D ENIAL . This is not my body. This is NOT my body. These are not my boobs, this is not my ass, these are not my thighs. No, no, no! This cannot be.
    2.   P AIN & G UILT . What have I been thinking eating like I’m still pregnant? I deserve this ass. I deserve this stomach. I deserve these thighs. I suck.
    3.   A NGER . What are you looking at? You’ve never seen a woman surrounded by the entire contents of her closet and three pints of ice cream? Go to hell. You’re the one who caused me to look like this. You and your fucking sperm. You are the last person I want to go out with.
    4.   D EPRESSION , R EFLECTION, AND L ONELINESS . Why am I sitting here alone in my closet? It’s because I look like this, isn’t it? Nobody wants me.
    5.   T HE U PWARD T URN . I don’t have to look like this forever. I can start a diet RIGHT NOW. No carbs. No sugar. Gallons of water. MILF-dom, here I come!
    6.   R ECONSTRUCTION & W ORKING T HOUGH . Okay, so maybe not no carbs. Light carbs. A little sugar. Iced tea. Vodka.
    7.   A CCEPTANCE . I’m never going to rock the skinny jeans or swimsuit again. Pass the Ben & Jerry’s. And the muumuu. And the wine.

Lie #12
GOING FROM TWO TO THREE KIDS IS A BREEZE

    My number-one reason for not wanting to have a third baby is that I pee my pants pretty much every day since my second was born two years ago. At this rate, my kids will soon be more potty-trained than me.
    â€”Scary Mommy Confession #117879
    I was feeling pretty cocky back in February 2006. I’d successfully survived the first two years of motherhood with Lily and effortlessly brought a new baby into the house. The first time I had a baby I felt like the proverbial deer in the headlights, but this time I was an Experienced Mother, and my baby was clearly the child of an Experienced Mother. He slept through the night in his room immediately because I actually let him, and he was content almost twenty-four hours a day because I wasn’t fussing with him constantly. With Lily, I waited almost a month before venturing past the front stoop, but when Benwas a baby, the three of us were out and about immediately. I didn’t panic over silly things like stained Onesies and dirty car seats. I laughed at first-time mothers who used things like wipe warmers and bottle sanitizers and Diaper Genies. I relished being on the experienced side of the fence. I had this motherhood thing down.
    My standing as Experienced Mother suffered a blow when I found out I was expecting another baby when Ben was only a year old. Sure, I could handle the two of them like a pro, but would three be as easy? I wasn’t so sure. A neighbor and mother of four convinced me that I could handle it. Actually, she went even further: “Once you have