My Big Bottom Blessing by Teasi Cannon Read Free Book Online Page A

a full surrender to indulgence. Within days all was lost of my efforts, and the pounds would come back with friends.
NIGHTLY RITUAL
    With every failed diet I became more certain that there was something inherently wrong with me. I wondered if there was some sin my ancestors had committed long before that left me cursed. I felt like a fool to my friends and family because I could never seem to follow through on my grand diet plans. And Trainer let me have it just about every night before I fell asleep.
    TRAINER : Okay, Teasi, this is ridiculous. You were doing it for three days and then you totally blew it. Your pants are even tighter on you now than they were before.
    FAT CHRISTIAN WOMAN : I know. I'm so sorry. I'll do better tomorrow. In fact, I'm not eating at all until I've lost thirty pounds.
    This nightly ritual was insanity. Every night I would make aggressive plans to do better in the morning.
THE BIG DISCONNECT
    My failure with weight sent me on many biblical searches. I tried so hard to find the hidden key in Scripture that would solve my problems and set me on the path to high metabolism heaven. All the while I couldn't help but notice the parts that didn't seem to be working for me. Romans 8:37 told me that through Christ I was more than a conqueror. Really? I couldn't even conquer a diet. Philippians 4:13 told me that I could do all things because Christ would give me the strength. Well, where was He when the Oreos came calling? How could the Maker of Heaven and Earth part the waters of the Red Sea, push down the walls of Jericho, and raise the dead, yet not help me win my war on fat?
    And then there were verses I just wanted to ignore. Like the verse that told me I should rejoice when others rejoice (Rom. 12:15). Well, I was rejoicing when they failed. I couldn't help but secretly celebrate when someone I knew had put on a few pounds. After all, I didn't want to be the only fatty in town. (Misery loves company.)
    There was an obvious disconnect between what the Bible promised (and required) and what I was experiencing, and that created an increasing desperation in me. I loved God and wanted to live a life that was pleasing to Him, but it seemed no matter how much I studied, prayed, served…something was desperately missing.
    Dramatically, I poured onto the pages of my journals ridiculous (and pain-filled) plans for how to make my life better.
JOURNAL JOURNEY
    June 28, 1997
    I'm getting ready to go to sleep feeling overweight and defeated again. I am full of the knowledge of how to get my weight off. I know the key to success is giving my pain to God instead of food. I know I will never be skinny, and that's fine. I don't need to be. I do want to be lean—fit. I want to be at a comfortable weight so that it is no longer an issue that keeps me bound in depression or feeling like a failure. I know what size I should be and can be. I want to be there, and I can do it with God's help and my own. I'm weary of the self-defeating cycle. I want off this horrible ride of falling asleep angry at myself and waking up to do what hurts me most: eating too much of the wrong stuff. Lord, Jesus, I need Your strength and mercy. I need Your forgiveness, and most desperately I need to see myself as You see me so that my focus will be healthy and godly. I don't want to be thinner for vain reasons. I want to feel good about my appearance, but mostly I want to be free of this self-mutilating process I'm in. I know I fall short in so many ways, but I come to You begging for mercy and strength.
    Doesn't that journal entry make it sound like I was on the right track? Like I simply wanted to be healthy and see myself through God's eyes? I would never want to be skinny for vain reasons.
    Who did I think I was kidding? Years later I was still singing the same song.
    Â 
    February 13, 2001
    I go to bed most every night regretting the eating choices I've made and feeling angry at myself. Then I make grand plans to do better—plans