My Family and Other Freaks by Carol Midgley Read Free Book Online Page B

twittery, patronizing voice. “You’re like a baby elephant sometimes.”
    I want to cry. I banged the bridge of my (huge) nose when I walked into the wall and now I can’t even think of a cutting reply so I just sit on the floor with my throbbing conk, surrounded by pages about rainforests. I want to cry, but I mustn’t under any circumstances. Where is Amber? This is all her fault for the “too obvious” slur.
    Then—salvation. I feel two pairs of arms pulling me up. Strong arms. And a smell of hair gel. It is Damian and Sean. “You OK?” says Damian, as Treasure looks on, giving me the evils.
    OK? I’m on the crest of a wave!
    â€œYour, erm, nose is bleeding,” says Sean, offering me a tissue, which I hope hasn’t been used because I’m stuffing it up my nostril. Damian says they’d better walk me to the sickbay. No, no—carry me, Damian! Like Mr. Darcy.
    Treasure, obviously sensing the electric attraction between me and Damian, dives in and stands over me saying, “I’LL take her.” Bog off, Treasure.
    I ignore her and carry on looking pleadingly at Damian. I consider pretending to faint in Damian’s arms, but then Amber comes running down the corridor—her last class had been kept behind. All she sees is me covered in blood and Treasure standing over me, so she shrieks, “What’s happened? Oh my God, has she HIT you?”
    â€œHas WHO hit WHOM?” bellows the voice of Mr. Ince, our math teacher. This just gets better! He orders Amber to go with me to see the nurse, and I can hear him taking Treasure aside for a grilling. As soon as me and Amber turn into thenext corridor I stop her and start giggling. “Did she hit you?” she asks, all shock-faced.
    â€œNo, I walked into the wall, trying to look nonobvious!” I say, and we both just fall apart laughing, me with little droplets of blood spraying from my nose.
    The school nurse cleans me up and says I can go home if I want, but I choose to go back to class so that Damian can see how brave and ungirlie I am. Everyone gives me a round of applause when I go back in—apart from Treasure, that is—and I bow like I’m on stage, but not too low because it makes all the blood rush to my nostrils.
    This has been an extremely successful day.
Friday
    Last day of term before the summer holidays!!!
    â€œAll right, class,” says Mrs. Shutterton in English, “I have a question for you. Who can spell ‘discombobulated’?”
    Oooh, and I have a question for YOU, Mrs. Shutterton—who on the whole planet is ever going to need to write or say or type the word “discombobulated”? You may as well ask us to spell “blutitriollisticalenchortrasirpfgjhkkfarlt.” Remind me never to become a teacher … What a waste of time.
    No wonder she gets called Mrs. Sh … well, you can probably guess.
    She’s given us a book to read over the summer. I thought she was meant to be good at English. She should look up the meaning of the word “holidays.” The book she has given us is
My Family and Other Animals
by Gerald Durrell. Amber is thrilled about this because it’s about nature and geckos and bugs and things. I, on the other hand, am not thrilled. My family ARE animals. I live this book every single day.
    Mom meets me and Rick from school, saying she will “buy us a milkshake” to celebrate the end of the school year. A milkshake. How willwe stand the excitement? If this is Mother’s way of trying to show she is a good parent she gets zero out of ten. “I just wanted to spend time with my big boy and girl,” she says, with moist eyes. It must be her hormones again. Give me strength. Rick’s face is all twisted in a way that looks like acute pain but which I know to be mortification.
    We tell our mother that if she does not call us her BIG BOY AND GIRL ever again we will allow her to take us for a