Nell by Nancy Thayer Read Free Book Online

companion of a moderately famous, and therefore justifiably egocentric, man.
    Then two more events beyond Nell’s control had changed her life: she had accidentally gotten pregnant, and Marlow’s star had faded.
    Funny, how Marlow had blamed the latter on the former.
    When she had studied the past—and she had had plenty of time during the long nights when she was first separated to do just that—Nell finally was able to decideconclusively about one fact in her life with Marlow: she was not responsible for his downfall. He had received lukewarm reviews, bad reviews, cool receptions, long before she got pregnant. She was not responsible that grants did not come through. She really was not responsible that other, younger directors were shooting up like fire rockets into the skies of public adoration while Marlow’s star slowly fizzled and fell into semi-oblivion. These things happened to artists all the time. It was luck. And maybe it was talent. But she was not accountable for it. It had begun happening long before her first baby started growing in her womb.
    It was not her fault. But somehow it had become her fault. Somehow Marlow had convinced himself and her that he had had to take the teaching and directing job in the drama department at the college in Boston because she had gotten pregnant and he had to provide financial stability for his wife and her child. The baby had trapped him, had ruined his career. It was all clear to Marlow, and he had expressed his feelings to Nell with equal clarity. And with anger.
    In response, she had acted even more frantically: she had pretended that everything between them was still marvelous and enviable. They wanted to live in Arlington in an old rambling shambles of a house—the house had such potential . They wanted to settle down—all that traveling had been so exhausting. Marlow wanted to teach college students, for they were the future of the acting profession and where else could he make such an important impact on the world of drama? She wanted to stay home for a while, furnish a nest, have babies, settle down. They wanted what they had; they were happy .
    Oh Lord, Nell thought now, thought often: Had any of her life been real?
    Nell had gotten pregnant on purpose the second time. She didn’t want her son to be an only child. By then Jeremy was two, and she had spent almost three years working hard at making a clever and comfortable life for Marlow and their son. Perhaps she had really convinced herself that Marlow was happy. They gave a lot of parties, and the college plays had received great reviews; she had thought that Marlow had come to terms with his life and was even enjoying it.
    So she had been taken by surprise when she told him she was pregnant and he had responded by saying: “You bitch.” He had gone berserk with anger. He had thought shewas special, that she had understood how special he was, he had thought she would nurture his talent because she was unique, and instead she was just like all the others, a bitch, a sniveling, clinging woman who trapped a man with babies and forced him to betray his possibilities for magnificence. If it were not for her  …
    Marlow went out that night and drank, and probably slept with someone. It became no secret that he slept around during Nell’s burgeoning pregnancy and during the first two years of Hannah’s life. He didn’t try to hide it. He even tried to flaunt it. He was punishing Nell.
    The New Year’s Eve when Jeremy was five and Hannah three and Nell thirty-three and Marlow forty-five, Nell and Marlow came home at three-thirty from a party. The babysitter had gone to sleep in one of the bedrooms, the children were fine, asleep. Nell slipped into a nightgown —not a flannel granny one—remembering the resolutions she had made at midnight: This year she would somehow get their marriage back on track. This year she would help Marlow somehow. This year she would manage to get him to love his children. This