Never Look Away by Linwood Barclay Read Free Book Online Page B

seemed something of a concession, given how she'd been talking about my parents only the other day.
    "They are," I said. It looked like a bandage wrapped around her wrist.
    "Your mom's in good shape. She still has lots of energy," Jan said. "She's, you know, youthful for her age."
    "My dad's pretty good, too, except for being a bit, you know, insane."
    Jan didn't say anything for a moment. Then, "It's good to know that if something ... if something happened to me--or to you--they'd be able to help out a lot."
    "What are you talking about, Jan?"
    "It's just good to have things in place, that's all."
    "Nothing's going to happen to you or to me," I said. "What's that on your wrist?"
    She left her spoon in the bowl and pulled her sleeve down. "It's nothing," she said.
    "It looks like a bandage."
    "I just nicked myself," she said.
    "Let me see."
    "There's nothing to see," she said. But I had reached across the table, taken hold of her hand, and pushed the sleeve up myself. The bandage was about an inch wide and went completely around her wrist.
    "Jesus, Jan, what did you do?"
    She yanked her arm away. "Let go of me!" she said, loud enough to make the people at the other tables, and Gina by the front door, glance our way.
    "Fine," I said quietly, taking my hand back. Keeping my voice low, I said, "Just tell me what happened."
    "I was cutting some vegetables for Ethan and the knife slipped," she said. "Simple as that."
    I could see injuring your finger while cutting up carrots, but how did a knife jump up and get your wrist?
    "Just drop it," Jan said. "It's not ... what it looks like. I swear, it was totally an accident."
    "Jesus, Jan," I said, shaking my head. "These days, lately, I don't know ... I'm worried sick about you."
    "You don't have to be concerned," she said curtly and studied her soup.
    "But I am." I swallowed. "I love you."
    Twice she started to speak and then stopped. Finally, she said, "I think, sometimes, it would be easier for you if you didn't have both of us to worry about. If it was just you and Ethan."
    "What the hell are you talking about?"
    Jan didn't say anything.
    I was frantic with concern, but there was anger, too, creeping into my voice. "Jan, answer me honestly here. What kind of thoughts are going through your head lately? Are you having--I don't know how to put this--self-destructive thoughts?"
    She kept looking at the soup, even though she wasn't eating it. "I don't know."
    I had this feeling that we had reached a moment. One of those moments in your life when you feel the ground moving beneath you. Like when someone calls and says a loved one has been rushed to the hospital. When you get called in by the boss and told they won't be needing you anymore. Or you're in a doctor's office, and he's looking at your chart, and he says you should sit down.
    You're finding out something that's going to make everything that happens from here on different from everything that has gone before.
    My wife is ill , I thought. Something's happened to her. Something's come undone. Something's wrong with the circuitry .
    "You don't know," I said. "So you might be thinking about hurting yourself in some way."
    Her eyes seemed to nod.
    "How long have you been having thoughts like this?"
    Jan's lips went out, then in, as she considered the question. "A week or so. These thoughts come in, and I don't know why they're there, and I can't seem to get rid of them. But I feel I'm this huge burden to you."
    "That's ridiculous. You're everything to me."
    "I know I'm a drag on you, like an anchor."
    "That's crazy." I immediately regretted my choice of word. "Look, if you've been feeling this way a week or so ... what's brought this on? Has something happened? Something you haven't told me about?"
    "No, nothing," she said unconvincingly.
    "Has something happened at work?" After seeing Leanne going at it with Lyall, I wondered whether she was dragging Jan down somehow. "Is it Leanne? Is she making your life hell, too?"
    "She's ...