personal question because I trust you as a friend?”
“Sure.”
I tried to think of something friends ask each other. “Do you ever worry that your white blood cell count is lower than your other friends? I mean, yes, your immune system is fine, but is it
the best?”
She fiddled with her belt. My tactic was working. I decided to hit her with another bonding question, forcing the parasite out with the power of human discourse.
“Isn’t it weird how girls are fifty times more attracted to men with razor-sharp canines than soft, cuddly ones? I mean, how is
that
evolutionarily beneficial! I guess because men with sharp teeth are more confident around chewy foods.”
“Does Edwart have sharp teeth?” Angelica asked. The girls giggled.
“What in the who? Who said Edwart?
Evolutionarily—
that’s what I said.
Evolutionarily beneficial
. Not
Edwart beneficial
. Geez. What, do you have a crush on him or something? Do you think he’s cute? I don’t.”
“Not cute. But nice. He’s a really nice guy.”
“He is not a really nice guy!” I shouted loyally. “He is a very dangerous man!”
The girls exchanged glances. Lucy exchanged an ominous glance for Laura’s knowing glance and Laura traded that glance for Angelica’s loaded one.
“Well, he
is
strangely quiet,” admitted Laura, astutely noting how peculiar it was for a non-vampire to besoft-spoken. “It’s strange when people don’t shout out whatever words and half-formed ideas are incubating in their heads. Gives me the willies.”
“I agree,” said Lucy. “I heard that at his old elementary school, the bigger guys used to gang up on Edwart, day after day. One day Edwart decided enough was enough and
bam!
The bigger guys hit him even harder. After that Edwart went through a biting phase for a while because, you know. He can’t exactly hit back.” She squeezed her skinny bicep as she said this, implying that Edwart couldn’t hit back because a single blow from him would be fatal. “Of course,” she added, “that story is probably just urban legend.”
“Yes,” I agreed. It’s just urban history. “Yet I couldn’t help but remember Angelica’s warning while her mouth muscles were spasming out of any conscious control
—Beware the crown.”
“Crown” as in “dental crown?” As in, Edwart was going to go on a vampire biting spree once the dentist had fixed a few cosmetic problems? Hmm. I would have to enter this into my “reasons why dating Edwart is an extreme sport and thus a legal alternative to gym” rubric.
“So, which store are we shopping at next?” I asked as we walked out into the mall. I had noticed a kitchenware store on the way. Would that have a cookbook for vampires? It was funny—all this worrying about whether Edwart was a vampire and I didn’t even know what vampires ate.
“Whichever one carries prom dresses,” Lucy said.
I stopped in my tracks.
“Whoa, whoa hold on,” I said, digging my heels intothe sidewalk to resist forward movement like Scooby Doo, only no one was pulling me so it was more like I was walking on my heels. “There aren’t any books in dress stores.”
“We’re shopping for more clothes,” said Angelica, as casually as you’d say “good morning” to a neighbor in the olden days.
“I can’t shop for more clothes, guys. I’m a role model to 1.3 million girls—I have to prove to them that there’s more to life than clothes. There are
novels
out there. Romance novels, for every type of monster fetish.”
“Fine,” said Lucy. “Let’s split up. The three of us will continue shopping in the brightly lit, well-populated mall. Belle—you roam around alone, looking for something to read in the dimly lit alleys.”
“Great plan! I’ll see you sometime later,” I said.
“Okay. Meet us somewhere nearby at a later time!”
I searched and searched the streets for reading material to no avail. Even the grocery store, which usually carries a few well-written wine labels,