Not What They Were Expecting by Neal Doran Read Free Book Online Page A

is that it?’
    ‘Look, I’m fine.’
    ‘Clearly.’
    Rebecca’s eyes narrowed and she started to say something but thought better of it. James put his hands behind his head and huffed slightly.
    ‘It just wasn’t what I expected, that’s all,’ Rebecca said, breaking the silence.
    ‘And I just want to make sure it goes all right for you. That you don’t get too stressed out.’
    ‘Yeah. Well.’
    James walked across and tried to give his wife a hug, but she was too low down and ensconced in the corner of the bulky sofa. He settled for a kiss on the top of her head.
    ‘Let’s have a beer, eh?’ he said, massaging her shoulder gently. Her head leaned into his hand.
    ‘I shouldn’t, really…’
    ‘Even your mad midwife said it was all right. Come on, I’ve got a weekly email from Babycentre we can look at, see what that creature is up to now, whether he’s planning on keeping that tail.’
    ‘We need a better name than “That Creature”,’ Rebecca shouted as James headed for the fridge.
    ‘You’re right,’ said James, handing over a Heineken. ‘Jeff?’
    ‘Jeff? What if it’s a girl?’
    ‘It’s not their real name. I don’t think we’ll be planning on calling a boy Jeff either, it’s not going to come out aged fifty-three and ready to join your dad at the golf club.’
    ‘It might stick though, and we’d end up taking Jeffrina to her ballet classes. Try again.’
    ‘The Thing?’ he suggested, ‘Fifi Foetus?’
    Rebecca rubbed her hand over her belly again while she was pondering, trying to feel a difference.
    ‘We could go for one of the classics and just call it the bump?’ she said. ‘Will be one soon.’
    ‘Who put the bump in the bump-a-lump-a-bump? It was the man with a rama-lama ding dong,’ sang James. ‘I think I could live with that.’
    ‘But we’d have to live with your singing. Bompalomp’s cute though…’
    ‘What do you think, Creature?’ asked James as he sat on the couch and rested his head in Rebeca’s lap. ‘Would you rather be Bumpalump?’
    ‘Bompalomp. I don’t need to be associated with being a lump, thank you.’
    ‘Bompalomp then. What do you think, give your tail one swish for yes, two swishes for no. I think that’s confirmed it. It’s christened.’
    Rebecca smiled down at her husband with his ear pressed against her tummy, and gave his neck a pinch.
    ‘Spoken to your mum yet?’ he asked.
    ‘She called earlier. Apparently I had it easy. In her day it was creepy pervy doctors and ferocious uncaring nurses. Turns out I was carried to term in a
Carry On
movie.’
    ‘And how’s your dad?’ James asked cautiously.
    ‘Getting on with his projects, usual self. Like it’s gone away.’
    ‘Maybe it will.’
    Rebecca sighed and massaged James’s head.
    ‘Now what can I and Loyd Grossman get you for dinner?’ he asked, ‘Thai? Indian? Italian? The world is your oyster in a range of delicious sauces.’
    ‘Thai curry I think. Would be nice with the beer. And I’ll have some crisps as an appetiser.’
    ‘Salt ’n’ vinegar?’
    ‘Thanks, love.’
    James propelled himself to his feet with a thump, and headed back to the kitchen, loudly singing a range of half-remembered doo-wop songs from adverts. Rebecca sipped her beer and pulled a face as a metallic taste flooded her mouth. She’d been dying for just a regular end-of-a-long-day drink for weeks, and now it tasted like licking a battery. What a shitty day. Sometimes James just wasn’t the person to talk to about something difficult. Maybe it was her because she couldn’t explain herself properly. The midwife had been quite funny really when she thought about it. But it had seemed scary at the time, and she didn’t know why she’d been apologising for freaking out a bit. She wasn’t sorry.
    And
of course
it just
had
to have been more difficult for Mum.
    She sipped the beer again, but she was going to have to give up on it. She was tired and it had been a big afternoon, she had to