Now That Hes Gone by Beverly Tobocman Read Free Book Online Page A

would not feed me or let me use the bathroom.”
    It was in her grandparents’ home that her bad dream of a life turned into a real nightmare. Both grandparents physically beat her and her grandfather repeatedly abused her sexually. When the pain and humiliation became too much to bear, she would, in her words, “leave my body.” What that means is, she actually found a way to mentally detach herself from the real world so that she could feel a measure of psychological safety while she was experiencing physical agony. With no one to turn to for help or consolation, she turned inward, relying only upon herself simply because that was all she had.
    Eventually, her mother had a nervous breakdown and Luanne was taken away from her abusive grandparents and placed in one foster home after another. In these homes she was also abused and certainly not loved or nurtured. “I believe I had a guardian angel,” she says now. “I could have died, maybe I should have died, based on all I went through. But I always had a strong will to live and my angel must have protected me, because here I am.”
    While she obviously believes in angels, I was surprised to learn that throughout all her years of pain and isolation, she never turned to God, despite her Catholic origins. Most of us would have sought help, protection or at least some consolation from the Divine when feeling as she did throughout her childhood. Yet she chose a completely different path. “I don't believe in a God,” she says. “I just can't. What kind of a God would let such things happen to a helpless, innocent little girl? If God is that heartless, I don't want any part of him.”
    Luanne's mother married several times. The story was the same in almost every case. “I watched them do nothing but fight,” she recalls. “I was required to work from morning until night, doing everything for the family while attending school and making excellent grades all throughout high school. Finally, at a very young age, I left home with only ten dollars in my pocket.”
    Ten dollars, plus a lot of grit and determination. On her own, Luanne worked while putting herself through college. Eventually she became one of the first female managers in a very male-oriented business. They wanted her to be quiet and just type, but according to Luanne she “kicked and fought to succeed professionally and financially. Just because you have a crummy beginning is no excuse for achieving less than the life of your dreams.”
    Despite the awful, even criminal treatment she suffered at the hands of her parents, when she became an adult, she actually supported them—for 30 years! For most of those 30 years, she was married to a man named Elwood, a good, kind man. As time wore on, this relationship was no longer satisfying. She summarized the relationship this way: “I grew and he was content to just stay the same.” This was not enough for her, and she left him. Even so, today Luanne and Elwood are still good friends.
    Two bright rays of light to come from her marriage are her daughter, Adele, and son, Roger, who are now grown and living in other cities. Luanne and her children are extremely close and mutually supportive. They talk on the phone almost daily and stay involved in each others’ lives. They go out of their way to see one another as often as possible, with Luanne basking in her children's successes in life. When she talks about them, her lovely face lights up and simply shines.
    With suffering, mistreatment and unhappiness coming from nearly every important person in her life, you'd find it understandable, even excusable if Luanne were angry, bitter and insecure. Yet she's just the opposite. Happy and vivacious, she approaches life as if it were a big game that was set up just for her to have fun with. “I never doubted myself,” she said when I asked her how she got through it all. “I learned to live my life in compartments. I put my sadness into a box on the shelf and just