Obnoxious Librarian from Hades by Dennie Heye Read Free Book Online

rules, but as you know there is only one library in Hades– so there can be no other regional funding from a different library.”
    “Well, dear librarian, that is not my problem. A rule is a rule in my book. As an auditor I am nothing if not a stickler for rules. When we start making exceptions (he actually shudders when he utters that foul word) that will be the end of our corporate governance of which I am so proud. It is the foundation and future of this company.”
    The chairman makes a note and tells me that either I come up with 50% of the funding from a different region of the Hades group of companies, or otherwise my proposal will not be approved.
    Mmmm. This calls for an improvisation paradigm. I lock the door of the library, put a sign on the door “closed for quarterly Z39.50 [10]  architecture quality control” and put on my headphones. As always, the serene sounds of Spinal Tap's classic album “Break like wind” bring me into the right theta state. Brain wave builds upon brain wave as I suddenly find the right eureka moment.
    I pick up the phone and quickly dial the number of my buddy Melvin in Kuala Lumpur. He manages the farm of servers that run all of Hades´ critical applications. His real ambition is to build the world's largest collection of Manga comics, so I have used my powerful library network to get him obscure Manga comics. In return, he hosts the library and records management system on one of the mega servers, guaranteeing me perfect service and total up time.
    `Library dude, long time no speak – how's life?”
    “Melvin, my friend, I need a favor, a suit is blocking my plan to upgrade my systems. I need 25 grand from you.”
    “Wow, hey, you know you are on my special list, but I don't have spare budget I can give you.”
    “Well, Melvin – I know that. Corporate politics is just a game, so let's just play a little game of Monopoly to beat the suits at their game of tic-tac-toe. I have a budget of 50.000 dollars for this software upgrade, but I need 25.000 of that to come from a different region. You have never invoiced me for hosting my library and records management software, right?”
    “No, of course not, you're a pal and your systems don't consume any CPU power or bandwidth worth charging you.”
    “That is very nice of you, but don't you think that after all these years an invoice for your service is overdue? An invoice of say, 25.000 dollars? I will pay you for that long outstanding invoice and then you can fund half of my systems upgrade.”
    “Librarian – you've got them checkmate!”
    And we go back to our normal scheduled plan of world domination…

The one with a special price for a special customer
    It is Friday morning, 11.25 PM in the library and I reminisce about my job. Sometimes people will ask me: what is it that drives you in your job? What makes you wake up every morning and immediately feel empowered, energized and challenged to go to your desk for another day at the grind?
    And my answer is always: the library customers. For them I constantly update policies to make life more difficult, make systems more complex, install yet another layer of bureaucracy and in general make them work for me.
    Customers– they provide me with so much entertainment, like little busy ants in ant farm. Once in a while you shake their world and enjoy seeing them scramble around. No, if it were not for the library customers I would seriously consider moving to a job in finance as they have customer disengagement down to an art.
    Just the other day, a customer called me while I was just in the middle of reading the wanted ads in “Library cataloguing monthly”. I looked at the phone display and noticed it was one of the new hires, who just started this month. It is very important to manage their expectations as otherwise they keep bugging me:
    “Library”
    “Hi, this is James from account development. I would like to request access to the confidential reports