Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes by David Minkoff Read Free Book Online

and drove off to the party. Rachel soon spotted Moshe. He was fooling around on the dance floor, dancing with every girl he could, copping a little feel here and having a little kiss there. So Rachel sidled up to him and being a rather seductive lady, Moshe immediately left his partner and devoted all his time to her—to this new beauty who had just arrived. Rachel let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. So when he whispered a little proposition in her ear, she agreed. Off they went to one of the parked cars and made mad, passionate love. Just before midnight, when everyone at the party had to take off their masks, Rachel slipped away, went home, put her costume away, got into bed, and wondered what kind of explanation Moshe would make for his behavior.
    Rachel was sitting up reading when Moshe came in and she asked what kind of time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
    Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
    He replied, “I’ll tell you, Rachel, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I bumped into Yossi, Roberto, David and some other guys, so we went into a back room and played cards all night. But I can tell you, Rachel, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

    A couple, preparing for conversion to Judaism, meet with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, “Is it true that men and women don’t dance together?"
    “Yes,” says the rabbi, “For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.”
    “So I can’t dance with my own wife?”
    “No.”
    “Well, OK,” says the man, “but what about sex?”
    “That’s fine,” says the rabbi. “It’s a
mitzvah
within the marriage!”
    “What about different positions?” the man asks.
    “No problem,” says the rabbi.
    “Woman on top?” the man asks.
    “Why not?” replies the rabbi.
    “Well, what about standing up?”
    “No, certainly not!” says the rabbi. “That could lead to dancing!”

Husbands and Wives
    Moshe is talking to one of his friends. “My wife Bettie will never have to work. All she needs to do is cook, clean, scrub, wash, iron and sew.”
    His friend says, “That’s nice to hear, I am sure she appreciates you.”
    “Well, I am not so sure,” replies Moshe, “Bettie thinks I’m too nosey. Well, that’s what she wrote in her diary, anyway.”

    Moshe goes up to a beautiful woman he sees in the supermarket and says to her, “I’ve lost my wife in here and I would be very happy if you could find some time to talk to me for a few minutes.”
    She asks, “Why on earth do you want me to do that?”
    Moshe replies, “Because every time I talk to a gorgeous woman, my wife always appears out of nowhere.”

    Ethel was married to Harry, a very successful businessman. One day, Ethel decided to have her portrait painted as a gift to Harry. When she arrived at the artist’s studio for her first sitting, Ethel told him exactly what she wanted, “You should paint me like I really am. Even the little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. And the lines under my eyes, my flabby arms, my crooked nose, even the mole on my cheek, they must all be included. But on my hands you should put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and around my neck you should put chains of gold and diamonds. OK?"
    The artist looked at Ethel and asked her why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with imaginary jewelry.
    Ethel replied, “When I die, I know Harry will remarry and when he does, his new wife will go crazy looking for the jewels.”

    As the doors shut and the crowded elevator made its way down to the ground floor, Sadie got very angry with her Morris. She noticed that he was wedged up against a nice young girl and had a smile on his face that said he was delighted to be in that position. As the