Panda to your Every Desire by Ken Smith Read Free Book Online Page A

customer in Aberdeen buying ski boots and not being sure which was the left and right one. Or, as she asked: “Fit fits fit fit?”

    A SALES assistant in a Glasgow fashion store tells us of the best riposte she has heard when an undecided customer came out of the changing rooms in a dress she had tried on, and asked her waiting partner: “Does this dress make me look fat?” He thought about this for a moment before replying: “Does this tie make me look stupid?”

    IT’S NOT just Scottish accents that can be puzzling. Duncan Bradon tells us his Lancastrian daughter-in-law was in a Borders supermarket where, wishing to freshen her mouth, she asked a member of staff where she might find some mints.
    “Fresh or frozen?” he asked.

    BEFORE Valentine’s Day, Hugh Paton was much taken with the card on sale in Morrison’s which showed a little boy, dressed as a grown-up, carrying a rose and leaning forward to kiss a little girl. Above them the card stated: “For The One I Love”.
    And on top of that was a sticker stating: “Buy One. Get One Free”.

    DO WOMEN think differently from men? We only ask as Andy Cumming tells us that his wife returned home to say she was walking through Glasgow’s Royal Exchange Square when she saw a miscreant running out of a handbag shop with half-a-dozen handbags while a shop assistant gave chase.
    “Could you give a description?” asked Andy, wondering if his wife should do her civic duty and come forward as a witness.
    “Well, there were two big black ones, a nice tan one, a small red one, and a nice yellow one,” she replied.

    A READER out shopping in Drumchapel heard a woman in the super-market ask her friend if she used the self-service checkout tills.
    “Use them?” replied her pal. “I use them so much I’m surprised I wasn’t named employee of the month in January.”

    A READER swears he was in a south-side chemist’s when a chap came in and asked the pharmacist if he had anything for hiccups.
    Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and smacked the man between the shoulder blades and asked: “Did that help?”
    “I doubt it,” the customer replied. “But if you like I’ll go and check with my wife who is waiting out in the car.”

    A GLASGOW reader in a city centre card shop watched as an old timer holding a fancy large card bent down to work out from the list of codes how much it cost. He looked surprised, as we often do at the price of a piece of cardboard, then muttered to no-one in particular: “If I’d wanted to spend that much, I’d have bought her a present, no’ a card.”

    A READER heard a woman having coffee with friends in the Newton Mearns shopping centre declare that her husband so rarely helped her do the shopping that when he entered the supermarket the other day, the machine automatically announced: “Unexpected item in the bagging area.”

    AN EAST KILBRIDE reader tells us her son-in-law was at the super-market with his two-year-old twins when a fellow shopper, seeing the twins, rather wittily said to him: “Was it buy one, get one free?”
    Unfortunately, son-in-law, thinking the shopper was referring to the cases of beer in his trolley, confusingly replied: “No, they’re £6 each – but there are shelves full of them.”

    LINGERIE and beauty boutique Odyssey recently opened in Edinburgh with the stock including a range of discreet, em, electronic massagers for the ladies. Odyssey owner Sarah Connelly had to watch as her dad picked up one of the toys, started shaking it, and asked: “How do you get it to start playing the music?”

    GLASGOW public relations worker Claire Cook popped into a fancy-dress shop in Rutherglen in preparation for her fortieth birthday party. A chap in his fifties came in behind her and asked the assistant for a Shrek outfit.
    The young girl started showing the chap a naughty nurse’s uniform, followed by a saucy French maid’s outfit. As the customer’s face turned a deep red, the assistant