Pavane by Keith Roberts Read Free Book Online Page A

nothing visible, eyes opaque. She'd let the shawl fall off her shoulders; he could see her breasts, the nipples pushing against the flimsiness of the nightdress. She frowned, pursed her mouth, looked back at him. 'Jesse,' she said, "when I've finished talking, will you do something for me? Will you promise?' Quite suddenly, he was no longer drunk. The whirling and the warmth faded, leaving him shivering. Somewhere he was sure the loco hooted again. 'Yes, Margaret,' he said 'If that's what you want.' She came and sat by him. 'Move up,' she whispered. 'You're taking all the room.' She saw the shivering; she put her hand inside his jacket, rubbed softly. 'Stop it,' she said. 'Don't do that, Jesse. Please The spasm passed; she pulled her arm back, flicked at the shawl, gathered her dress round her knees. 'When I've said what I'm going to, will you promise to go away? Very quietly, and not... make trouble for me? Please, Jesse. I did let you in...' 'That's all right,' he said. 'Don't worry, Margaret, that's all right.' His voice, talking, sounded like the voice of a stranger. He didn't want to hear what she had to say; but listening to it meant he could stay close just a little longer. He felt suddenly he knew what it would be like to be given a cigarette just before you were hanged; how every puff would mean another second's life. She twined her fingers together, looked down at the carpet. 'I... want to get this just right,' she said. 'I want to... say it properly, Jesse, because I don't want to hurt you. I... like you too much for that. 'I... knew about it of course, I've known all the time. That was why I let you in. Because I... like you very much, Jesse, and didn't want to hurt. And now you see I've... trusted you, so you mustn't let me down. I can't marry you, Jesse, because I don't love you. I never will. Can you understand that? It's terribly hard knowing... well, how you feel and all that and still having to say it to you but I've got to because it just wouldn't work. I... knew this was going to happen sometime, I used to lie awake at night thinking about it, thinking all about you, honestly I did, but it wasn't any good. It just... wouldn't work, that's all. So... no. I'm terribly sorry but... no.' How can a man balance his life on a dream, how can he be such a fool? How can he live, when the dream gets knocked apart... She saw his face alter and reached for his hand again. 'Jesse. please... I... think you've been terribly sweet waiting all this time and I... know about the money, I know why you said that, I know you just wanted to give me a... good life. It was terribly sweet of you to think like that about me and I... know you'd do it. But it just wouldn't work... Oh God, isn't this awful...' You try to wake from what you know is a dream, and you can't. Because you're awake already, this is the dream they call life. You move in the dream and talk, even when something inside you wants to twist and die. He rubbed her knee, feeling the firm smoothness. 'Margaret,' he said. 'I don't want you to rush into anything. Look, in a couple of months I shall be comin' back through...' She bit her lip. 'I knew you were... going to say that as well. But... no, Jesse. It isn't any use thinking about it, I've tried to and it wouldn't work. I don't want to... have to go through this again and hurt you all over another time. Please don't ask me again. Ever.' He thought dully, he couldn't buy her. Couldn't win her, and couldn't buy. Because he wasn't man enough, and that was the simple truth. Just not quite what she wanted. That was what he'd known all along, deep down, but he'd never faced it; he'd kissed his pillows nights, and whispered love for Margaret, because he hadn't dared bring the truth into the light. And now he'd got the rest of time to try and forget... this. She was still watching him. She said, 'Please understand...' And he felt better. God preserve him, some weight seemed to shift suddenly and let him talk. 'Margaret,' he