Planet Janet by Dyan Sheldon Read Free Book Online Page B

started having sex the day before she turned fifteen, and this girl reckons Sara should hold out for a bed as well as a real boyfriend. The first time this girl did it was in a garden shed (she had a rake handle in her back the whole time, but it was over pretty fast so it wasn’t too bad). She says she’s never done it without her clothes on or lying down – unless you count the back seat of her boyfriend’s father’s car, which none of us do. Sara says it doesn’t sound much like in films. And I said it was just what I was always saying, wasn’t it? Where’s the Romance ? Where’s the Passion ? Where’s the overwhelming desire to merge your Soul (and a couple of body parts) with another?

MONDAY 22 JANUARY
    Mentioned to Flynn at lunch that I’m reading
The Outsider
. He was impressed. He said he admires Camus’s clarity of intellect, philosophical optimism and hopeful love of life. This doesn’t sound much like the book I’m reading, but I said I did too. I reckon the optimism and hope must come after page three.
    The yoga isn’t as easy as it looks on the cover. I’m sure some of the positions are only possible if your bones are made of plasticine or you’re double-jointed or something. I was trying to do the Chakrasana (the Wheel to the layperson) because it says in the book that it strengthens your thigh and stomach muscles (I reckon it beats going on another diet). I got into it OK, but then I got sort of stuck. It was either call for help or crash. I made the wrong choice. I screamed and Justin raced in, but of course he wasn’t alone. He had his stupid camera with him. He snapped me just as I fell. He’d better hide that bloody thing, because if I get my hands on it I’m throwing it into the loo.

TUESDAY 23 JANUARY
    The MC’s been in a FOUL mood for days. Nag nag nag … snap snap snap… This is much worse than her PMT. According to Willow, the planet Saturn’s doing something awful in the Mad Cow’s House, and that’s why she’s marching around like Darth Vader on a bad day. So I stayed with the child Jupiter and the dog Mars while Willow gave the MC a healing massage, though if you ask me it’ll take a lot more than a back rub to cure the old witch. When I got back to ours, the flat stunk from the aromatherapy oils. I could taste lavender in the pasta. The Mad Cow said it was my imagination. Yeah, right.

WEDNESDAY 24 JANUARY
    IT HAS TO BE TOLD!
    Five Reasons Why I Hate Catriona Hendley:
    (1) She’s ALWAYS had a big head because her mother writes for
The Guardian
and her father is some excruciatingly ginormous big deal at Channel Four.
    (2) When we were in primary school, Catriona Hendley always made up dumb games for us to play, and I was always the dog.
    (3) When we got to secondary school, Catriona Hendley asked me in front of everyone if I was a Taurus, but I didn’t know anything about astrology then and I thought she said tourist and I said no, I was born in London. It took EONS to live it down.
    (4) One day last summer we were all hanging out in the park and Catriona was telling some incredibly boring story. I was lying on the ground, watching the clouds, and I sat up to ask Disha something, and Catriona told me to lie back down and eat another BAG OF CRISPS! Like I’d already eaten one! In front of everybody! (Disha said that was not what Catriona said, but I think Disha was just trying to make me feel better. Disha’s v loyal.)
    (5) CATRIONA HENDLEY’S AFTER ELVIN WHATEVER HIS NAME IS!!! I can hardly believe it myself. I mean, I know the world’s a global village now, but it’s still not THAT small. How does she even
know
him? He doesn’t go to our school, she doesn’t have an older brother, and
she’s
not big mates with Disha. But the Eyes Don’t Lie. There I was, minding my own business and waiting for Sara after school (Disha had to go to the dentist’s), when who should come riding through the gates on his bicycle but Elvin! Now that I know he’s interested in ME