Rebuilding Forever by Natalie J. Damschroder Read Free Book Online Page B

it distastefully, shrugged, and took it before leaning on the counter, crossing his ankles, and giving Seth the look that meant this was the end. He wasn't letting Seth skate on this any more. He'd have to admit what was wrong with him.
    The silence stretched out while Seth drained the first can, then retrieved a second one. The kitchenette was far too small, but Seth would have to pass Julian to leave the room, and he knew his friend wouldn't let him.
    "Fuck, man, don't look like that." Julian straightened and set his can hard on the counter. "You're scaring me."
    "Welcome to my world."
    "Are you sick?" He reached out and clamped his hand around Seth's bare shoulder. His fingers shook a little. "How bad?"
    "No, mate, that's not it." He pushed Julian's hand off. "Compared to that, it's stupid. But it's not, because it's going to cost me Cassie." He broke off when his voice quavered. Pansy.
    "Nothing's going to cost you Cassie." When Seth looked dubious, he said, "What? You fell in love with someone else?" Still watching him, Julian looked incredulous. "You did? No fucking way! Who?" Seth still didn't say anything, but Julian knew him better than anyone. His mouth fell open. "Me?" He hooted and dragged Seth toward him, his arm wrapped around his neck. "'Bout time, mate!" He ruffled Seth's hair.
    "Get off me!" Seth shoved hard against his chest and retreated to the corner next to the refrigerator. "I'm not in love with you."
    "Then what?"
    "God." He dragged both hands through his hair this time, then blew out a hard breath. "A few months ago I started having these dreams. They started out like memories, the night of our last gig fifteen years ago, you know? The night Cassie told me she was leaving."
    Julian's amusement faded. "I know what night you're talking about. It was the worst I'd ever seen you."
    "I've dreamt about it a lot lately."
    "Well, that's logical, isn't it? You're afraid you're going to screw up again and lose Cassie."
    "No. Well, yes, but I don't think that's what's making me have the dreams." He didn't know how to describe what had gone on in them. "They weren't...normal. Weren't true memories. You were there."
    "I was there then."
    "I know, but... There was this couch. And you were on it. And I fell, and crawled onto it, and realized you were there, and I--I begged you."
    Understanding dawned on Julian's face, which then went completely blank. Horror surged up through Seth.
    "You know what I'm talking about."
    "Nope, not a whit." He retrieved his Kaliber and drank deep. But he avoided Seth's eyes.
    "You do." The implication rolled over Seth. He lurched to the sink and gagged, but nothing came up. He stayed hunched over the porcelain. "You really...we really...oh, my fucking God."
    "Seth." Julian's hand was hot on his bare back. He jerked away and retched again.
    "Don't touch me."
    "Okay. But it wasn't--" He stopped, apparently realizing he couldn't really say anything to make Seth feel better. "It was that one time."
    "You've given head before." His breathing came shallow. "You always say you're up for anything."
    "Yeah, but--"
    "Is that all we did?" The realization that his dreams were memories and might not be complete brought Seth upright again. "Did you fuck me?"
    Julian's jaw firmed. "Look, mate, don't make this like that. That night wasn't about having fun. It was about keeping you alive."
    " What? "
    "Our lives were so fucked up, but yours especially. I would have done anything-- anything ," he repeated fiercely, getting in Seth's face, his voice low and hard, "to stop you from going over the edge."
    "And anything meant blowing me."
    "Yes."
    Seth couldn't get the memory out of his head. His eyes burned, and when he blinked they watered. "You didn't answer my question."
    "No, I didn't fuck you. I sucked you off, you curled up and sobbed for about three hours, and in the morning you went into rehab for the first time. You never said anything about it. I figured you didn't remember."
    "I didn't. Until