Reheated Cabbage by Irvine Welsh Read Free Book Online Page A

radge. Eh looks the type ay cunt that's no too sure aboot whether tae catch the one or the six, if ye ken what ah mean. Probably one ay they fuckin bent shots that shag the young poofs up the Calton Hill. In the fuckin closet, n usin oor Elspeth as cover.
    See, if that cunt gies her Aids, eh's fuckin well deid.
    Well, that fuckin loudmoothed hoor Sandra goes, raisin her gless in a toast, — Tae Elspeth n Greg!
    — Elspeth n Greg, every cunt sais.
    Ah'm sayin nowt, but ah never take ma eyes oaf that cunt. Aye, pal, ah'm fuckin well wide fir you. Every cunt else's makin a big fuss, n even Joe shakes the boy's hand. Ah'm shakin nae cunt's hand, that's a fuckin cert.
    — Well, ah'd best git the dinner served up, the auld lady sais. — This hus been the happiest Christmas I've hud in years. See, if yir faither wis here . . . she bubbles at Elspeth.
    If oor faither wis here eh'd huv fuckin well done what eh eywis did – drunk us oot ay hoose n hame n made a fuckin exhibition ay ehsel.
    This cunt Greg puts ehs hand oan muh ma's wrist n slides ehs other airm around oor Elspeth's waist. — Ah was just sayin tae Els last night, Val, it's my one big regret that I was never able tae meet John.
    What's that cunt sayin aboot ma fuckin auld man? He didnae ken ma fuckin auld man! This fuckin cunt thinks eh kin jist come in here n take ower everything, jist cause eh caught oor Elspeth at a vulnerable time. Jist cause she wis oan the rebound so tae speak, wi that fuckin perr Keith boy gittin sent doon. Ah've seen smarmy cunts like this Greg before, seen thum in action. Eywis oan the lookoot fir some lassie tae take a len ay.
    Naw, she's makin a big mistake n she hus tae be telt.
    So wir sittin doon at the table tae oor dinner, n the auld lady's only went n arranged it soas thit ah'm sittin next tae this fuckin smarmy, side-partin child molester. Ah'm gled now thit that fuckin June took oor bairns tae her hoor ay a ma's hoose.
    — So what line ay work are ye in, mate? Joe asks the Greg boy.
    Elspeth butts in before the cunt kin speak. — Greg works fir the council.
    — Huv a word wi the cunts aboot that council tax, fuckin well oot ay order, ah goes. Muh ma n Joe n Sandra nod away, agreein wi that, n ah've fuckin well goat the cunt thaire. The council's a fuckin waste ay money as far as ah kin see. They could shut the whole fuckin loat doon the morn n nae cunt wid notice any fuckin difference.
    Elspeth gits aw snooty.— That's no Greg's department. He's in planning. A Principal Officer, she says, aw fill ay it.
    So it's planning were gittin now, is it? Aye, n ye ken what that cunt's fuckin well plannin awright; plannin tae git ehs fuckin feet under the table. Well, no in this hoose eh's no.
    Sittin thaire, drinkin ehs wine, chompin intae that dinner like eh's tae the fuckin manor born. The crawlin cunt goes, — You've really pulled oot aw the stops here, Val. Delicious. Cooked tae a treat.
    Ah'm sittin next tae um, ragin, n ah swallays a moothfae ay grub. Thaire's somethin, a wee bone or the likes, stickin a bit in ma throat. Ah takes a sip ay wine.
    — Ah'd like tae propose a wee toast, the Greg cunt goes, raisin ehs gless. — Tae family.
    Ah tries tae cough up, but it's stuck fast. Ah cannae git any air, ma fuckin nostrils are aw blocked up wi that charlie fae last night . . . ma sinuses are packed solid wi crap . . .
    Fuckin hell.
    — Uncle Frank's no well, the wee boy says.
    — Ye awright, Francis son? Somethin no gaun doon? muh ma goes. — Eh's gaun red . . .
    Ah waves the cunts away, n ah stands up. That daft cow Sandra's tryin tae gie me a bit ay breed. — Force this doon, force it doon . . . she goes . . . but ah'm fuckin well chokin anywey, n she's fuckin tryin tae kill me . . .
    Ah pushes her aside, n ah'm gaspin n chokin, n ma heid's spinnin n ah see the horror in thair faces roond the table. Ah cough, n this sick comes up n catches in ma fuckin throat n flies back doon, aw hoat n burnin, right back intae ma fuckin