Ruining You by Nicole Reed Read Free Book Online Page A

today when you think
about it. Do you still feel the shame you mentioned before?”
    Burying my head in my hands,
I shudder as I allow myself to reach into that box hidden deep down within me,
the one that holds my darkest feelings. Before, I could feel the anger
overflowing from it, and yes, the shame would be there too. It’s all still
there but muted. I can look at it closer without it tearing my soul out, and
that’s a first.
    I don’t know if Dr. Raines
can read the look of surprise on my face, but I look up and reply, “I was so
ashamed of what happened to me and the thought that I could, somehow, control
it.” I shake my head in response to my own words. I am speaking to myself just
as much as I am speaking to her. “But I couldn’t, could I? I didn’t ask for it.
I sure as hell didn’t want it. That naive girl didn’t know what she was doing,
and she didn’t have any idea what he would do or what he was capable of doing.”
    Dr. Raines nods her head.
“Most people think that those in a mentor position, such as a teacher, are
there to guide and protect. Every day, parents send children to school thinking
they are in a safe place. As a child, you are led to believe the same. So when
something like this happens, especially by someone that we empower to protect
our children and in an environment that we feel is a safe place, it’s almost
life-altering. It changes one’s beliefs, and for those it happens to, they have
to learn to dissimilate from the situation.”
    “I thought he was my
friend,” I whisper. “That he cared about me….about JT.”
    “Do you think that JT would
have blamed you for the rape? That he would have been ashamed of you?”
    “No! God, no. I…he...”
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I continue, “It would have destroyed him.
God, it did anyway.” My voice breaks at the end, and tears build. “Was I always
destined to be the one that ruined him? No matter what decision I made?”
    “Listen to me, Jay. You
tried to protect those around you in the only way you knew how: silence. When
it came out that night, you already knew how he would react, so what did you
do? You’ve already told me that you tried to stop him. You begged and pleaded,
but you couldn’t control him or the situation any more than the day you were
raped. It was out of your hands. The moment JT decided to let his anger control
his actions is the moment he took his life and the fate of others into his own
hands and out of yours. I know you blame yourself for that also, but look at me
young lady.”
    Staring directly into her
eyes, I let the truth of her words wash over and into me.
    “You can blame yourself for
many things, but what happened to you and the death of JT is not one of them.
Life is, at times, ugly and unfair. That you harbored all that happened to you
and then still lost what was most precious, is one of the most tragic tales I
have ever known. Jay, the way I see it, the main reason you didn’t tell wasn’t
because of being ashamed, it was to protect those from the hurt and pain of
knowing the truth. You say that you were shutting them out so they wouldn’t
feel your death as deeply, but again, that wasn’t it. You knew the pain and
heartache it would cause. You kept it within yourself.”
    Pausing, her eyes look
intently into mine, “You want the truth? Those two years you could have ended
your life, but you didn’t because you wanted to live. You weren’t looking for a
way out, Jay. You were looking for a way back in.”
    Tears stream down her face
as we both continue to stare at each other. Finally, she sits forward and
reaches her hand for mine. I allow her to grasp it and look down at them.
    “Jay, I wish you could see
what I see: a strong and courageous young lady. One day you may meet her, and
then again, maybe you never will. Either way, what happens from now on, you
have to make peace with your past. Live for those that can’t. The one thing
that you already know is that life