Scars from a Memoir by Marni Mann Read Free Book Online Page A

followed me outside because he wanted to make sure I wouldn't leave his place and score some dope. That's what Michael would have wanted. He was honoring my brother, so he'd given me his phone number. The reason he wanted to go for a walk with me wasn't that he liked me. He hated me as much as Jesse did.
    I threw his hands off my shoulders. “I have to go.”
    “Nicole, this doesn't change how I feel.”
    I'd already passed the bench, but I turned around and took a step closer. “How you feel? I know exactly how you feel.”
    “Tell me, then.”
    I put my hands on the back of the bench, grinding my palms against the wood. They were wet and slid over the surface. “When you look at me, all you see is Michael's killer.”
    “That's not true.” He kneeled on the bench. Our eyes were level. His had beamed with strength when his foot was on that guy's throat, but now they showed sadness. “I knew of you then, and I'm beginning to see who you are now. There's a truth in you that proves you could be different. You didn't lie, and that's what I had expected.”
    “What do you want from me?”
    He didn't smile or move his mouth, but the corners of his eyes pointed down and his eyebrows rose. “I just want to take you for a walk.”
    A laugh escaped from my lips. Nothing he said was funny, but laughing hid the quivers that rattled my body and the tears that filled my eyes.
    “Just a walk?”
    He nodded. “For now.”

-6-
    THERE WERE THOUSANDS OF STUDENTS enrolled at Northeastern, and Sada just happened to be friends with Asher. She could have chosen to take me anywhere that night she'd brought me to his apartment. I had to believe that was more than a coincidence. But was it to punish me, or was I supposed to fall in love with him? Maybe both.
    My past had collided with my future in the most messed-up way.
    If I had met Jesse like Michael had wanted me to, I might have met the twins. I'd at least have heard their names or seen their pictures. Instead, I chose to abandon my brother when he was struggling with coming out. Heroin entered, and Michael exited.
    My father shut down whenever I mentioned Michael, and my mother just sobbed. Asher was my only solid connection. Whether he used drugs and whether I was ready for a relationship weren't important. I couldn't lose what we had.
    What I didn't understand was why, after everything he knew about me, I'd caught his interest. People didn't visit the murderer of their loved ones on death row. They sighed with relief when execution day came. But Asher wanted to take me for another walk instead. I couldn't let my questions keep me from finding him a place in my life. Being near Asher meant I was closer to Michael, so I called him the next morning. He got out of class an hour before my shift ended and came to the café. He sat at one of the tables, with a large coffee and a soft, covered notebook and wrote. Even if it was just short glances between sentences, I knew he was watching me. I could feel his stare throughout my whole body.
    When I finished my closing duties, I walked over to his table. “Are you ready?”
    He got up, folded his notebook in half, and put it in his back pocket. Once we got to the sidewalk, he asked how I was feeling. I hated that question. Until I'd gone to rehab and was forced to spill, I'd never been good at sharing my feelings. Practice hadn't made me any better. “Confused,” I said.
    “I'm sure you have a lot of questions,” he replied.
    Asher didn't act as though we were on a deadline, but I wanted all the answers before we reached the next street. I just didn't know what to ask first.
    “Nadal knows we've been hanging out, so if you ever want to come to our apartment, he'll make sure there aren't any drugs there. Jesse knows too.”
    The sidewalk was so busy that we had to weave through hoards of people. Asher reached for my hand, making sure we didn't get separated, and led me into an alley. He sat against the side of the building. I joined