Seriously... I'm Kidding by Ellen DeGeneres Read Free Book Online

it might be a brook. You don’t know the difference, maybe there isn’t one. You don’t care.
    Just picture the creek-brook. Its winding path piercing the meadow. The sun bouncing off the rocks. Don’t think about how dangerous it would be to slip on them.
    As you approach the water you see a bridge. It’s a bridge that leads to happiness.
    To the left of the bridge is a cape. Not a cape like a piece of land, an actual cape like a superhero would have. Put on the cape.
    Now you have magical powers. You can do anything you want in this cape, except fly.
    As you get closer you realize the whole bridge is made out of dark chocolate.
    It’s unsafe to walk on but so delicious to eat.
    Carefully cross the bridge to happiness. Don’t let anyone take your cape. It’s yours.
    People will try to take your cape out of jealousy, but don’t let them.
    On the other side of the bridge, they’re showing classic reruns of The Love Boat .
    Happiness is yours once you cross the dark chocolate bridge in your cape.
    Be careful and good luck.

Random Things That Might Help You But Probably Won’t

     
Never make your bed with a monkey in it.
Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn’t enough. You also have to move your chair.
There’s no attractive way to get a cherry pit out of your mouth.
When making a right turn onto a busy street, always check the crosswalk for children’s imaginary friends.
Everyone looks better in fuchsia.
If you have portraits of yourself up all over your house, people are going to think you’re conceited. Replace them with portraits of me.
When moving heavy objects, I know they say to lift with your knees. I’ve always found it easier to lift with my arms.
Rest rooms are not for resting.
When your eye twitches, it means your body wants you to wink rapidly at whomever is sitting across from you.
If you like winning, never play hide-and-seek with a chipmunk.
Answering every question with “You got it, girlfriend!” can apparently be irritating to others.
“Kerfuffle” is an actual word.
At a four-way stop sign, the person with the prettiest eyes has the right of way.

American Idol , Or “If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say, Don’t Say Anything at All”

    I have been a genuine fan of American Idol since it began. I love music. I love supporting new talent. And I love medleys about Ford. So it’s always been one of my favorite shows. It turns out, however, I enjoy it a whole lot more when I get to watch from the comfort of my very own living room.
    Everyone asks me about my time as a judge on Idol . People want to know what it’s really like to be there, what Ryan is like, and what Simon is like. I’ll say this about them: Ryan is truly a workaholic. He never stops. You don’t see this watching from home, but during commercial breaks he goes around the audience selling Mary Kay cosmetics. And as for Simon—you can’t always believe what you see. I know he comes across a certain way on TV, but in real life—and I don’t mean to shock you—he’s actually completely hairless.
    When I first agreed to do the show, I thought it was going to be a lot of fun because, first of all, what great seats. You’re right there in the front row. You’re seeing everything live as it happens. You get unlimited refills of Vitaminwater. It seemed like a terrific idea.
    But then reality set in and things changed. My schedule got crazy. Pressure started building. Randy kept calling me “dude.” It was just very different from what I was originally expecting. I guess if I had to sum up my experience in one word, it would be “funfficult.” It was really fun, but it was hard.
    To give you a little sense of what my schedule was like during that year, I can walk you through a typical day. Normally, I tape my talk show at four o’clock every afternoon. I have all day to prepare and rehearse, and then from four to five I tape the show straight through. A little secret about