are very smart and lucky, past—the grave.
* * *
But it started to go badly, early on. By the time of the Olympics, even before the election, we knew that Adolf was no temporary phenomenon, that he was the real thing and that it was a bad situation. The worst. Adolf did things with crowds that even Huey couldn’t do. We could see that in the clips. And the news drifting out was worse and worse.
We’re in trouble, Huey said. This was in spring of ’37, only the third time I had gotten in to see him since he had been triumphantly inaugurated. It hadn’t taken long for him to turn me back into a vice president. This guy is murder, he said. I don’t worry about Mussolini so much, he’s an Eye-talian and he goes whichever way the wind goes, but Adolf is a killer. He’s a killer boy, do you hear that? He is taking us to war.
So what can we do? I said. I fell into the role easily enough, feeding Huey lines, taking his whiskey—he always had a bottle now—and trying not to think about the times past. What the hell, it wasn’t worth a pitcher of warm spit anyway, I had known that before. So I had just switched wives, that was all. It was the same bunch of crap and John Nance Garner knew it. Besides, the only real populist is a dead man, I was smart enough to know that. What are we going to do, take Adolf out?
He’s killing Jews and Gypsies, Huey said, and ugly-looking types and enemies and a lot of good Germans too. He’s killing everything that takes his fancy and he’s dead serious about this. He is one out-of-control loon and he is putting us on a war footing, do you understand that?
I understand a lot of things.
I can’t go nowhere, I can’t do the kind of things that got to be done with one eye on that guy. We’re going to go over there and try to reason with him. We’re going to set up a run to Berlin.
I think not, I said. I think I’ll preside over the Senate.
You too, Huey said. We’ll take a slow boat, bring along some good whiskey and maybe a few friends. We’ll have a nice cruise and we will try to reason with this gent. Maybe he can be persuaded to try reason. If not, we’ll still get some good pictures out of it and they’ll see that the President was willing to go a ways trying for peace.
I think this is a big mistake, I said. I think we ought to hunker down and wait this out.
Wait what out? Think he’s going to stop? His country is leaking Jews. Soon as he’s killed everyone he can there he’s going to turn outward, want to go other places. This guy likes killing, you understand? We wait him out, he’ll be in California.
What can I say? I said. I had another swallow of whiskey. I was always swallowing whiskey in those days. It’s your play, I said. You always wanted it your way, Kingfish, so I’m not going to stop you. You want me to go over on an ocean liner with you, I’ll go; I just hope it’s not the Titanic . What the hell, I said, why don’t we go all the way? Smuggle a thirty-eight caliber into a state meeting and shoot the fucker in the throat. You think that would solve the problem?
Huey gave me a long odd look. You think I haven’t considered that? he said. I am ahead of all you Democrats. But it is not a wise plan. Not at this time.
You think he’s a faster draw?
I think that we’re at the Reichstag when we try it, that isn’t too smart, Huey said. That’s all I think. But it is something to be tabled for future reference.
I should have said something then. But vice presidents are not paid to say things other than in accordance with the Constitution I cast the tie-breaking vote in favor of this resolution . Or, I support our great President . Or, It ain’t worth a pitcher of warm spit . Trust a vice president to know protocol.
* * *
After Berlin, Huey put the invitation right out. Come to Washington and we’ll try to settle this thing. But Adolf had other plans, other stuff on his mind about then, and so for that matter did the Kingfish, things were