Sick Bastards by Matt Shaw Read Free Book Online Page B

though there’d ever be anyone there to answer the question for me. I was just tormenting myself further.
     
    With no advance warning (of a knock or such-like) the bedroom door swung open and Father appeared. He looked angrier than he had done downstairs when we were talking. I could only presume Sister had told him the things I had been saying to her.
     
    “You don’t have to stay here, Son.”
     
    “What?”
     
    “If the way we live doesn’t meet your requirements then you’re more than welcome to try and go it alone...”
     
    Sister had told him then. Damn her. I couldn’t help but wonder whether she would have kept her mouth shut if it weren’t for the fact that Mother had pushed her foot from my crotch. I saw the ugliness of jealousy on her face at the time and knew there’d be repercussions.
     
    “I don’t know where you’ll go,” Father continued, “but I’m sure it will be better than here.”
     
    I wanted to argue with him and explain how I felt and that I was surprised the rest of the family didn’t feel the same. I wanted to tell him that I felt shame for what I had done (on many levels) and that they should too but there was little point. I could see it, in his eyes, that he wasn’t in the mood for arguments or someone challenging him. Besides - I wasn’t ready to leave the house. I had nowhere to go and those things are still out there.
     
    I welcome death, yes, but I’m too afraid to run towards it with open arms; the ever hopeful belief lingering that - soon - a group may come by and help us.
     
    “Perhaps you should use today to think about what you really want. You can stay here and fit in with our ways or you can leave and make your own path in life. You’ll always be welcome here but not whilst you’re continually challenging me. Not under my roof.”
     
    It’s not your roof , I wanted to tell him. My tongue didn’t move. Clearly it had more sense than my tired brain.
     
    “I don’t want to go anywhere,” I told him.
     
    He didn’t say anything immediately. He was just standing in the doorway looking down to where I was sitting on the floor. That look in his eyes still blazing away, burning a hole through what was left of my soul.
     
    “Well you be sure. Stay up here today. No sense you ruining everyone else’s day just because you’re struggling with your thoughts. You stay up here and decide what you want to do with your life and where you want to go. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
     
    He waited for an answer but I didn’t have one for him. Not one that he would have liked anyway. I remained silent. He grunted and stepped from the room, closing the door behind him.
     
    I still can’t cry.
     
    My mind is still too poisoned for that.
     
    All I could think about was what had brought us to this moment.
     
    It was all my fault.
     
    Sister was right.

 
     
     
     
    PART FOUR
    Before
     
    Alone
     
    It was the first time I had left the house since leaving - a couple of days earlier - with my father when we originally went out looking for some food (or help). Trapped inside the house, even for a couple of days, I had forgotten how beautiful it was out here. Surprising really, considering the supposed state of the world. I kind of felt stupid for bringing Father’s axe along with me as some form of protection.
     
    The air tasted fresh. The scent of the trees and earth lingered in the air. Nature at its most fragrant. The mid-morning sun beamed down upon my face, warming my skin and making me feel more alive than I had felt for as long as I could remember. The birds were singing in various trees around the house, music to my ears which had grown accustomed to the infrequent creaking of the old house and hushed mutterings of my family.
     
    I would have given anything for my sister to be here with me, so she could feel what I was experiencing, but I knew it wasn’t as safe as I was being fooled into believing. I knew there were dangers within the woods which had