Southern Fried by Rob Rosen Read Free Book Online Page B

and out.
    I bit my lip, preventing a smile from forming. Oh, not out of
    pride, mind you. Granny hated the down and out, you see. “Pull
    up your own damn boot straps,” she’d say. Loudly.
    Still, she dished out the money. Had to. It was the only way
    to keep those asking quiet. “Just write the check,” she’d tell me.
    “Don’t even let them get to talking. Otherwise, they’ll never shut
    the hell on up. Damn do-gooders. Get a job and get off my front
    porch.”
    The check always came with a smile, too. To their faces. Soon
    as that door was closed, however, her middle finger would fly up.
    See, Granny loved shooting the bird. More ladylike than cussing,
    she thought. Double birds for the Girl Scouts, the ones brave
    enough to knock. “Their cookies taste like cardboard and cost
    twice as much as those down at the Piggly Wiggly. A scam. An
    out and out scam, it is. Put ‘em in the fields if you want to teach
    them about the world. That’s what my daddy did for me, and just
    look at how I turned out.” Needless to say, I kept my mouth shut.
    Besides, if my great grandpa put her in the fields, it was only to
    get him a fresh peach, seeing as the servants weren’t allowed in
    36 Rob Rosen
    the mansion back then either. And I hear he hated waiting for
    anything. Guess the peach didn’t fall too far from the tree on
    that one.
    Pearl picked that moment to lean over and whisper in my ear.
    “Think your Granny is rolling over in that there coffin right now
    listening to all this shit?”
    I laughed, then tried to cover it up with a loud sob. All eyes
    turned my way. And so I repeated it. Thank goodness for all
    those theater classes. Who knew that Willy Loman would come
    in handy at a funeral? In any case, I was sure I looked downright
    miserable at that very moment. Then again, maybe it wasn’t to
    my advantage, after all.
    The creepy preacher looked down at me and gave me a
    condescending smile. “And now, brothers and sisters, I think
    Miss Jackson’s grandson, Trip, would like to say a few words for
    the dearly departed.”
    No he wouldn’t! No he wouldn’t! my brain was screaming. Ask
    Jeeves, while he’s still on the payroll!
    Only, the preacher couldn’t hear my brain screaming and was
    already waving me up on stage. With, of course, Pearl propelling
    me up. And Pearl’s propulsion rockets could put NASA to shame.
    In other words, I was up there with him, his, yuck , hand clamped
    down on my shoulder, his, double - yuck , breath in my ear. “Just
    speak from your heart, son.”
    I stare down at the coffin. Granny had done well for her
    final resting place. Thing must’ve cost a small fortune. Though it
    wasn’t like that was what I could say to all those people. Boy howdy,
    Granny’s coffin is gonna put all yours to shame. Yes, even I knew that
    wouldn’t fly. I might be shallow but I’m not dense. It’s a fine line.
    A mighty fine line.
    Anyway, I owed it to her to do this. And there wasn’t anyone
    else who knew her like I did that could say the words that meant
    the most. Maybe the archangel Gabriel was listening right at that
    moment, horn at the ready. Maybe my words could sway him to
    blow. They’d certainly done me well in the past in that capacity.
    southeRn FRied 37
    Well, maybe not in the same capacity, but still.
    I looked down at Pearl. She smiled and nodded. I looked at
    Jeeves. Nothing. Go figure. Then I looked to Zeb. His smile lit
    up the place. Heck, even Gabriel would’ve needed shades for
    that one. And then, all of a sudden, I knew what to say. Because
    it wasn’t for those people I was saying it; it was for Granny. And
    you know what Granny would’ve said to me? She would’ve said,
    “Tell it like it is, boy. ‘Cause most people won’t believe you either
    way, so you might just as well speak the truth.”
    I smiled as I stared at the coffin, and then I spoke. “Granny
    was one of the best dancers I know.” I looked at the crowd, most
    of their eyes growing wide