Stay With Me by Garret Freymann-Weyr Read Free Book Online Page B

my watch," Ben says. "I promise."
    This is all very nice of Ben, as he and I have just broken up. The idea of telling Ben that I wasn't sure I wanted to keep on sleeping with him seemed both horrible and impossible. Not to mention unkind. It felt easier to say I was too focused on family stuff to be a good girlfriend. Ben asked if I meant Rebecca and I nodded. After all, in a way this was her fault. If she weren't dead, I'd have been able to ask her what to do. Ben took a few days to think about it and then told me that only a jerk would expect me not to feel differently about a lot.
    "It doesn't matter," he said. "As long as we're still friends. The other stuff doesn't matter."
    Maybe he's been as uncertain as I have about wanting to have sex. This is upsetting for reasons that I can't quite sort out.
    "Here's the only thing," Ben said. "If you start dating someone else, you tell me. Even if it's not someone at school. I get to know first."
    It sounded like an order, but okay. While I like almost everyone at school, only Ben, who is heading to M.I.T. and yet never makes me feel stupid, is what I would call my friend. There are other people I like, but only Ben is important. I'd do a lot for us to stay that way. Almost anything except sleep with him again. So I told him I would tell him first. And that my dating anyone else seemed highly unlikely.
    I scratch My Scott's head while taking a look around Ben's room. In spite of its plaid wallpaper and the toy car collection, I like it here. It is, after all, the place where I've done math homework, had sex, and drawn up blueprints. It's the only place that makes me glad I have to be in school. Without school, I wouldn't know Ben.
    "Thank you," I say. "It's nice to think of My Scott being here."
    "You can come see him whenever you want," Ben says.
    The cat will be gone, but available. Unlike my parents, who will be really and truly gone. I hug Ben, press my nose into My Scott's fur, and wave goodbye to Mrs. Greene. Rebecca seems to be the only person I can miss right now. I can't—or won't—let myself wish I still had my cat, my parents, or my boyfriend exactly as I once did.
    In fact, it's only the cat's goodbye which I allow to stay with me. Not the one with my parents, the details of which I cannot recall other than the obligatory whispered
I love you, be good, be safe, don't worry, bye.
Goodbye.
     
    Clare does her crying at night and in the bathroom. I find this out immediately. She runs all the faucets and flushes over and over. But even with that, I can hear the distinct sound of sobbing. It's not that I'm listening for it so much as why else would anyone hole up in the bathroom in the middle of the night?
    The bathroom, which has an enormous tub, wicker shelves, and an ugly tiled floor, is between the bedrooms. Clare has cleared out the front hall closet so I can use the one in her room and she has bought Japanese screens and a dresser for the living room. She takes cushions off the sofa and makes it up every night with a fitted sheet.
    "There's no greater luxury than clean sheets," she tells me. "And now I have them all the time."
    "Like at a hotel," I say.
    "There's nothing like a hotel here," she says. "When Gyula comes back to town, we'll have dinner at his place. Now, that's like a hotel."
    Gyula doesn't especially like it here and since Rebecca couldn't stand him, he never used to stay with Clare, preferring an apartment he rents in a hotel on Central Park South. New Year's was a one-time-only exception. I have the distinct impression that he's not anxious to sleep in the living room on an old couch. I try to tell Clare that I would happily give her the bedroom when Gyula's visiting.
    "Don't give it a thought," she says. "He'll never sleep with me while there's a minor in the house."
    Sleep with me.
I mean, of course I know. I've just never had to know and hear it specifically said all at once. Although, she's not even talking about sex, but about her boyfriend's