Still Foolin' 'Em by Billy Crystal Read Free Book Online Page B

HURTS! GIVE ME THE FUCKING SHOT!” I’m still not sure why I screamed like that; Janice was the one in labor. Actually, there were no drugs used of any kind … by Janice. I, on the other hand, was totally smashed.
    Being the youngest of three brothers, and the uncle of a one-year-old nephew, I was sure we were going to have a boy. When the doctor, who had grown fond of us during the pregnancy, came out of the delivery room (in those days husbands weren’t allowed in), he turned to me and asked, “What do you think it is?”
    “Boy,” I said with full confidence.
    “No, schmuck, it’s a girl.” It hit me right between the eyes. Not the schmuck part, the girl part. How do you do girls? When I held beautiful eight-pound, four-ounce Jennifer Amie for the first time, she looked so calm and peaceful and safe, and my first thought was “I’ll have to pay for the whole wedding.” Then came fear. I was afraid that I couldn’t be everything I would need to be. Would I be patient, would I be smart enough, was I emotionally prepared to handle a child? How would I make a living? I was barely able to handle myself, but a baby?
    Babies are the toughest take-home exam of your life. I got off to a bad start when my gag mechanism freaked out at the first whiff of baby poop. When I put Jenny on the changing table for the first time and removed the diaper, I was staring at a few ounces of Dinty Moore beef stew. Instantly I started choking, my eyes watering.
    “Oh, this is gonna be great,” Janice laughed from bed as I hovered over the changing table, gagging.
    Over the next few months, I learned how to relax, and once I could dispose of the scuba gear, I came to understand what it’s like to love someone more than yourself. At the six-month mark, Janice went back to work, and I became a “motherfather.” It was a difficult decision for Janice to be apart from Jenny, but she and I were a team and something significant had happened. The group had been seen by Buddy Morra, who was Robert Klein’s manager and worked with the best managerial group in show business. Jack Rollins and Charlie Joffe were the aristocracy of comedy managers. They handled Woody Allen and Dick Cavett, among others, and also produced Woody’s films.
    So Buddy and his partner, Larry Brezner, took us on and got us a few jobs. After a while, though, Buddy and Larry pulled me aside and said they didn’t think the group was going to bust through, but if I wanted to go it alone as a stand-up, they would be there for me. That was all I needed to hear. My anxiety had progressed to “eleven” when I got a call from a friend who needed a comedian for a ZBT fraternity party at NYU—did I know anyone? I lied to him, saying that I had been working on my own, and for twenty-five dollars, he hired me. I hung up the phone, thinking, What did I just do ? Then I threw together a few ideas and rehearsed in front of Jenny, who, even at eighteen months old, was a tough critic. A few days later, when I nervously walked into the fraternity house, there were Buddy and Larry and Jack Rollins himself! I was supposed to do twenty minutes (which I didn’t have), and I ended up doing an hour or so. I just exploded. I don’t remember much of what I did to this day, but Buddy and Larry were thrilled. I was euphoric, and also guilt-ridden. I felt like I had cheated on my pals. Finally, I broke it to Dave and Al, and I went out on my own and never looked back.
    *   *   *
    I threw myself into my stand-up. Everything was new; anything was possible. I had an amazing wife, a beautiful little girl, and finally now a real goal. Balancing my beginning career as a comedian and tending to the constant care of Jenny until Janice came home from work, around five P.M. , was exhausting. We did that for two years and change. It was the most important part of my life, and it forever bonded me with this incredible pooping tax deduction. I was the only man in the play group; I was the only