Stirring the Pot by Jenny McCarthy Read Free Book Online Page B

Comes the Bridesmaid
    A lean and green version of Italian wedding soup (that is, no meatballs, lots of kale), tailored to help you lose weight quickly but not harshly. It’ll also give your complexion an antioxidant-fueled glow, so you’ll look great in your BFF’s wedding photos (though not in that atrocious dress!).
Countdown to Vegas, Bitches (alternative title: High School Reunion: Take a Look at Me Now, Queen Bees!)
    When you’ve got only about six weeks to get your bod ready for its close-up, this pea-based soup is just the ticket! It’s a moderately fast fat burner. You’ll lose weight without losing your mind. (Chef’s note: This soup can’t protect your mind once you’re in Las Vegas, but at least your ass will look good.)
No, I’m Not Pregnant, You Asshole
    Nothing’s worse than being taken for someone who’s seven months pregnant. Nothing. This waist-whittling white-bean-and-broccoli preparation will help you lose weight at a sane pace, with the added benefit of giving you the kind of gas that will shut everyone up.

Ten Signs You Need My Cookbook
    Wondering whether you are in need of my weight-loss cookbook (see this page )? Here are some clear indications that it would be a good idea:
    1. You think you find a new mole on your boob, but it’s a Raisinet.
    2. You eat the warm boob Raisinet.
    3. You wear yoga pants everywhere except to do yoga.
    4. You eat Lean Cuisine meals as snacks.
    5. You try the dog’s food because it smells so good. Mmmm,
bacon
!
    6. You think you may have a thyroid condition.
    7. You drive back to a fast-food restaurant because they forgot your sauce.
    8. Every time you go grocery shopping they have to ring up at least two empty containers of something.
    9. You burn your mouth at least once a week.
    10. You ate your edible underwear.

Know When to Fold ’Em
    RECIPE FOR SUCCESS

    Ingredients:
    3 cups gut instinct
    A long, hard look in the mirror
    The willingness to pay attention to what your gut instinct or the mirror is trying to tell you
    1 girlfriend who will confirm your gut instinct or be your mirror
    “The Gambler” on your playlist
    When Evan was ten, we were away on vacation and he suddenly announced that he wanted to break up with his girlfriend. I had known the relationship was doomed (I mean, everything she wore—right down to her shoelaces—was Hello Kitty), but I wanted to hear his reasoning anyway. “Out of sight, out of mind,” he explained. He had been apart from her all of five days. I had to give him an A for honesty.
    Many men seem to want to have their cake and eat it, too. Or, more accurately, to have their Hello Kitty and eat someone else’s pussy, too. We girlfriends and wives know this in theory but we never think
our
guy has the cheating gene. That crap behavior is for other women’s dickhead men.
    There are signs, of course. Longer and more excited stories about his day, filled with details designed to throw you off the scent. Or a burst of out-of-the-blue accusatory anger—you say something as simple as “Did you remember the orange juice?” and he screams back, “Juice? Is that all I am around here? Someone to buy juice? Get your own damn OJ!”
    Too often, even when you have an inkling and home in on those signs, you won’t believe it until you have concrete proof of his infidelity. I don’t blame you—no one really wants to believe that her man is straying. Admitting it means you have to do something about it. From where you sit, it’s just going to take too much emotional energy to rock the boat by tossing him out or walking out yourself. And the thought of being alone again? Ugh! I know, denial is much more pleasant. For a while, anyway (see below).
    It’s funny what can finally make each of us snap. It’s usually such a small, small thing. The kind of thing that leaves your friends scratching their heads: “
That’s
the thing that made the difference?” they say. But it’s meaningful to you for some reason, and whatever it