Stormy Weather by Carl Hiaasen Read Free Book Online Page A

VW van!” he scoffed. “But she’ll be back for her cut. Of that there’s no doubt. Neria will return. See where I’m headed?”
    “Yeah,” said Snapper. “You want us to kill your wife.”
    “Jesus, what a one-track mind you got. No, I don’t want you to
kill
my wife.” The salesman appealed to Edie Marsh. “You get it, don’t you? Before they cut a check, the insurance company is gonna need both signatures. Me and the missus. And I also believe the adjuster might want to chat face-to-face. What’d you say your name was?”
    “Edie.”
    “OK, Edie, you wanna be an actress here’s your chance. When the man from Midwest Casualty shows up, you be Neria Torres. My loving wife.” Tony smirked at the notion. “Well?”
    Edie Marsh asked what was in it for her, and Tony Torres said ten grand. Edie said she’d have to think about it, which took about one one-hundredth of a second. She needed money.
    “What about me?” Snapper asked.
    Tony said, “I always wanted a bodyguard.”
    Snapper grunted skeptically. “How much?”
    “Ten for you, too. It’s more than fair.”
    Snapper admitted it was. “Why,” he asked, with a trace of scorn, “do
you
need a bodyguard?”
    “Some customers got really pissed off at me. It’s a long boring story.”
    Edie Marsh said, “How pissed off?”
    “I don’t intend to find out,” said Tony Torres. “Once I get the check, I’m gone.”
    “Where?”
    “None a your damn business.”
    Middle America was what Tony had in mind. A handsome two-story house with a porch and a fireplace, on three-quarters of an acre outside Tulsa. What appealed to Tony about Middle America was the absence of hurricanes. There were tornadoes galore, but nobody expected any man-made structure (least of all, a trailer home) to withstand the terrible force of a tornado. Nobody would blame a person if the double-wides he sold blew to pieces, because that was the celestial nature of tornadoes. Tony Torres figured he would be safe from disgruntled customers in Tulsa.
    Snapper said, “I’m gonna be a bodyguard, I’ll need my gun.”
    Tony smiled. “No you won’t. That face of yours is enough to scare the piss out of most mortal men. Which is perfect, because the people who’re mad at me, they don’t actually need to be shot. They just need to be scared. See where I’m headed?”
    He took a length of bathroom pipe and smashed Snapper’s pistol to pieces.
    Edie Marsh said, “I’ve got a question, too.”
    “Well, bless your heart.”
    “What happens if your wife shows up?”
    “We got probably six, seven days of breathing room,” Tony Torres said. “However long it takes to drive that old van back from Oregon. See, Neria won’t fly. She’s terrified of planes.”
    Snapper remarked that money was known to make a person drive faster than usual, or overcome a fear of flying. Tony said he wasn’t worried. “The radio said State Farm and Allstate are writing settlements already. Midwest won’t be far behind—see, no company wants to look stingy in a national disaster.”
    Edie asked Tony Torres if he intended to hold them prisoner. He gave a great slobbering laugh and said hell, no, they could vamoose anytime they pleased. Edie stood and announced she was returning to the motel. Snapper rose warily, never taking his eyes off the shotgun.
    He said to Tony: “Why are you doing this? Lettin’ us walk out of here.”
    “Because you’ll be back,” the salesman said. “You most certainly will. I can see it in your eyes.”
    “Really?” Edie said, tartly.
    “Really, darling. It’s what I do for a living. Read people.” The Naugahyde hissed as Tony Torres hoisted himself up from the BarcaLounger. “I need to take a leak,” he declared. Then, with a hoot: “I’m sure you can find your way out!”
    On the slow drive back to Pembroke Pines, Edie Marsh and Snapper mulled the options. Both of them were broke. Both recognized the post-hurricane turmoil as a golden opportunity. Both